


No one but you

by AnyMousy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Captain Yamaguchi Tadashi, Fanart, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, Smut, Swearing, Third Year AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:21:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24090496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnyMousy/pseuds/AnyMousy
Summary: They've always been close, but it's not until the pressure of third year - the end of their high school days - that pushes them as close as they really want.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 26
Kudos: 365





	1. Stupid boy

**Author's Note:**

> Worked far too much on this. Wanted to post it as a short one chapter story but that didn't go as planned.  
> It will be a three chapter story at most, maybe only two. Will draw more pictures, so uploading will take a while.

Great. A bunch of guys gathering around an adult magazine and blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.

He hates this kind of conversation. Tsukishima used to think Kageyama and Hinata were monkeys, but those two idiots were raised with a golden spoon compared to his classmates.

So why is it that he’s found himself in the middle of the proverbial zoo, standing in front of a magazine he’s not interested in?

He tries to convince himself it’s because Yamaguchi is there and he doesn’t particularly have anywhere better to be, but he knows that isn’t the whole truth.

If he were honest with himself, he'd say he's there to torture himself by feeling equally scared and positively _dying_ to know Yamaguchi’s reaction to the contents of the magazine. Yamaguchi has never voiced any interest in the opposite or the same sex at all. And he wants to know if he stands a chance at all without making a fool of himself. Preferably without having to talk. So he tries to catch clues as a bystander.

He’s picked movies with sex in them on purpose for them to watch, just to see if it might make him talk (it doesn't). He keeps making comments about Kageyama and Hinata’s PDAs to see if it triggers him into homophobic behaviour (it hasn’t). He even put on a documentary on animals with same-sex intercourse relations (no succes on many levels).

“Look at _those.”_ One of the boys says, and Yamaguchi just looks at the magazine with one eyebrow raised.

Another boy elbows Yamaguchi in the side – isn’t he popular? – and points as he says: “Check it out,” and Yamaguchi just grins at him, his freckles look naughty and happy underneath his eyes.

“If you are into _that_ kind of stuff.” He snickers.

_What is he even talking about?_

After a few more similar comments he realises that Yamaguchi is just saying stuff to fit in and that he is obviously busier with achieving that than with the actual topic.

But he sticks around just in case. Their high school days will end this year and since there is no guarantee they’ll still be close in college – or God forbid, even in the same town – he’s running out of time.

And he can’t just _ask_ : ‘Hey Yamaguchi, are you gay? Because I _am_ and I’d fancy a roll in my bed together.’ Even keeping it as simple as ‘I’m gay.’ Sounds to him more like a desperate invitation than a casual confession of sexual preference.

Pathetic. (And since Yamaguchi is his only really close friend, social suicide.)

Tsukishima sighs audibly. The whole thing is tedious and he’s so frustrated that it’s a miracle he manages keep his face wrinkle-free.

“Too boring for you Tsukishima?” One of his classmates comments.

Tsukishima shrugs and keeps his face as neutral as possible.

“Come to think of it.” He continues with an expression that says he’s just had the brightest revelation of the century and the rest of the boys are suddenly silent and all listening to him. “You’re popular.”

“Yeah.” Another boy kicks in. “Didn’t Yamamoto confess to you yesterday?”

A few other boys start whispering something to each other, but Tsukishima can’t hear what they’re saying. Yamaguchi is looking at him too.

“So what?” Tsukishima sighs.

“So what?” One of the other boys responds rhetorically. “So, what is it like?”

“Is _what_ like?” He answers. His voice bleeds annoyance, but he can’t hold that back.

“You know.” He says. “What is it _really_ like?”

Great. How is this suddenly about him? And why do they all assume he went for her?

Besides, even if he did have tons of experience, it’s still a bloody personal question.

“Find out for yourself.” He decides to say, and everybody ‘ _Oooohs_ ’ like it’s the edgiest comeback in the century. The way Yamaguchi looks at him with an expression of awe and surprise equal to his classmates stops him from rolling his eyes.

But surely, he thinks, _Yamaguchi_ , if anyone, sees through his bluff. They’re practically joined at the hip; if Kei had a wild adventurous sex life – or one at all – Yamaguchi would have been the first to know. 

When everybody starts to chat with everybody - occasionally pointing at Tsukishima - he feels like _he_ is the animal in the zoo. Luckily, Yamaguchi notices and suggests eating something before lunch is over. 

At the end of the day, Tsukishima is none the wiser about Yamaguchi’s preferences and he supposes it’s better that way too, because the more time he spends feeding the futile hope that Yamaguchi might be into guys, the harder it will be when it all comes crashing down on him. Which it surely will.

It’s not the end of the world. Everything is still the same.

But as he finishes packing his bag at the end of the day, a girl approaches Yamaguchi to ask him about his history notes, which makes Yamaguchi blush profusely and Tsukishima has to look away from it. 

-

Lunch the next day is much better without the impending evidence of Yamaguchi’s heterosexuality. They sit in the grass because his friend loves to turn their short high school lunch breaks into mini picnics whenever possible with a healthy serving of talk about the latest Pokémon game.

He listens with half an ear while he thinks about Yamaguchi’s interest in the girl from yesterday. His heart does this little _thing,_ but he reminds himself that he’s learned nothing new. It’s not the first time he’s seen that kind of interaction between Yamaguchi and a girl. And it’s certainly not the first time he’s seen him blush. Yamaguchi blushes at most people, not in the least when talking to Yachi. Kei’s almost certain Yamaguchi has a crush on her.

All in all, he supposes he just fancies to think the blushes directed at him are special.

Meanwhile, Yamaguchi is on about how amazing his Charizard’s special attack stat is and his eyes are twinkling. He’s undoubtedly been training that Pokémon at some ungodly hour for who knows how long. (The game hasn’t even been out for two days). Nevertheless, Kei smiles despite his earlier annoyances, because Yamaguchi beams at him like he’s the only one in the world.

“When I used Flamethrower, _Farfetch’d_ just went like bam! Gone in one hit!” Yamaguchi makes it sound like the pixels on his TV are nothing short of a miracle. His limbs move all over the place as he bombastically reenacts the heroic move. Tsukishima laughs whole-heartedly along.

When lunch is over, Yamaguchi is in an exceptionally good mood and it’s infectious. He doesn’t shut up about Pokémon any chance they have to talk and he keeps smiling at Tsukishima like he’s trying to convince him that the only way forward is to be as enthusiastic as he is.

It’s frustratingly cute, and later on the blonde has to stifle his laughter when he glances at his friend’s seemingly studious note-taking in class, only to discover that he is in fact writing down the Pokémon he wants in his team and drawing some very poorly inspired pictures next to them.

-

As expected, Yamaguchi is so eager to show off his Pokémon team that it lands Tsukishima a spot beside him in front of the TV in his friend’s room. They’re sitting against the bed and despite their best intentions all homework lies forgotten on the low wooden table on the other side of the room.

They [Yamaguchi] were trying to catch Growlithe, but its level is too high and they can’t get it yet, so they’re training their [Yamaguchi’s] team and chatting alternately about the game and unimportant stuff. 

“Our level’s too low.” Yamaguchi grumbles unnecessarily after encountering another Pokémon.

The floor reminds Tsukishima of how skinny his ass is. It makes him feel like his bones are made of concrete or steel, or anything else that absorbs strain but won’t break and the thin pillow Yamaguchi always provides little comfort. 

Nevertheless he wouldn’t dream of moving. They’re sitting flush at the shoulders and it makes him tingle all over, like it always does when they touch. He makes stupid jokes about the in-game characters and Yamaguchi laughs at all of them. And he must have done something right in his life, because they go back to sit like that even after dinner.

It’s getting late and there’s a growing silence between them. It might be because Yamaguchi is getting tired, but the way he bites his lower lip tells Kei that something’s troubling him.

“What is it?” Tsukishima asks after a while, getting slightly nervous from just looking at his nervous friend. 

“Well…” Yamaguchi starts, but his words fall. His eyes are still fixed on the screen while he’s walking his character around aimlessly.

“Well?” Tsukishima raises an eyebrow at him, trying to make him look at him.

“About yesterday-“ Yamaguchi's voice breaks and he stops to clear his throat. “I was wondering about yesterday.” Yamaguchi says like it explains everything.

“Yesterday?” Tsukishima asks in return. He probably sounds deflated because he doesn’t want to talk about yesterday. Yesterday sucked. “What about it?”

“Is it true that you… you know…” Yamaguchi’s face is red and somehow it makes him feels stupid with nerves.

“What?” Tsukishima asks, his heart hammering in his chest.

“Never mind.” Yamaguchi says. He pauses. “Forget it, it’s not important.”

“Just say it.” Tsukishima says impatiently.

Yamaguchi glances at Tsukishima from the corner of his eyes, bites his lip some more and stares back at the screen before opening his mouth again.

“If you’ve, you know, done it.”

It takes a moment for the blonde to understand what he’s talking about, but when he does his face heats up. He’s so embarrassed to talk about the subject with Yamaguchi that he wants to evaporate. Instead, he clicks his tongue and scoffs.

“What do you _think_?” He deadpans.

Yamaguchi’s eyes widen in realisation.

“Really? When?” He asks. “With whom?”

“What?” Tsukishima frowns.

There’s a silence, and Tsukishima knows he’s misunderstood. 

He clicks his tongue again. “I _haven’t_.” Tsukishima says. “I thought you knew.”

“Oh. I eh, no. I didn’t.” Yamaguchi says. “You know, we never really talk about that stuff.” He laughs nervously.

“Oh. I guess you’re right.” Tsukishima says, and pauses before asking. “What about you?”

Yamaguchi’s laugh is self-deprecating and ugly. “Of course not.”

“What do you mean, _of course_.” Tsukishima says, more than asks.

“I’m not popular like you, Tsukki.” He says. “Nobody's interested in me.”

“That’s ridiculous.” He blurts out, but stops before he says anything too stupid. “Why did you want to know, anyway?” He adds, his hands are noticeably clammy when he clasps them together.

The blush on Tadashi’s face remains, and his game character is still walking around on the same spot. He accidentally encounters a Pokémon, but runs away from it immediately, which means he’s probably forgotten he’s training his Pokémon.

It’s Yamaguchi’s turn to shrug. “Just curious.”

“Curious?” Tsukishima asks. _Curious about him?_

“You know, what it’s like.” _Oh._ “I know it’s stupid.”

“If you’re that curious, why don’t you just go for it yourself?” He hears himself say.

 _No, don’t do that._ He immediately thinks. _Stay as you are._

“I told you. Nobody’s interested in me, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi sighs. He’s sad. “To be honest, I’m a bit scared I’ll still be a virgin by the time I’m thirty or forty.” Yamaguchi laughs but Tsukishima can tell he means it.

“No way.” He says. He wants to tell him how great he is. That everybody will want him.

“Yeah well.” Yamaguchi dismisses the comment. “I’ve never even kissed anybody, you know.”

“Oh.”

A silence again. Yamaguchi looks at him then, and quirks an eyebrow.

“Have you?”

No point in lying. “Yeah.”

“Oh.” He looks back at the screen and battles a wild Pokémon. “Who?”

“A girl.” Kei says, but remembers that this is superfluous information for heterosexuals. “I don’t think you know her.” He adds.

Yamaguchi seems to think nothing about it and pauses as he teaches one of his Pokémon a new move. “How was it?” He’s not smiling.  
  
“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Yamaguchi asks with raised eyebrows. “Did it feel nice?”

He shrugs and pushes up his glasses. “It was alright. I didn’t like her much.”

“Then why did you kiss her?”

“I was curious.”

There's a silence again and when he turns to look at his friend, the blush on Yamaguchi’s face has spread to his ears.

“It’s not as great as they say.” He adds depressingly, but he does it anyway. Anything to discourage his friend.

Yamaguchi sighs. “I’d still like to know. But the chances of that happening are practically zero.”

“You make it sound like it’s impossible.”

“It is a bit.” Yamaguchi says, laughing that awful laugh again. “I’m a geek and not cool at all. No one has ever shown any interest in me.”

“So? I’m a geek too.” Tsukishima shrugs.

“Yeah, but Tsukki, you are _so_ handsome. Everybody wants a piece of _you_.”

He knows it means nothing. When he says ‘everybody’ he doesn’t mean to include himself, but Tsukishima’s eyes widen regardless and his ears are strangely hot.

“That’s an exaggeration.” Tsukki says, but his voice is rather squeaky sounding. His face is positively on fire and he turns away to hide his embarrassment.

And just when the silence takes too long and Tsukishima thinks the conversation is over, Yamaguchi opens his mouth to say something again.

“Did you eh, touch her?” Yamaguchi asks.

“What? Maybe.” Tsukishima frowns and almost panics at the question. “Are you _that_ curious?”

“A bit.” He says, dejected. “I thought you’d tell me about it.”

“It was hardly something to write home about.” Tsukishima says. “And besides, it’s really difficult to explain something like that.”

“So...what? You’d have to show me? Hahaha.” Yamaguchi laughs half-heartedly at his own joke. “Just kidding.” He mumbles and picks up the game again like nothing’s happened.

Yamaguchi defeats two more Pokémon by the time Tsukishima has recuperated from the comment.

Kei’s mouth is as dry as his words. “If you want.”

“What?” Yamaguchi snaps his head around.

“I’ll show you.” Tsukishima says, roaming a hand through his short hair – like it would have an effect – while decidedly not looking at Yamaguchi, because he can tell Yamaguchi is gaping at him. Did he make a mistake?

“You really don’t have to do that for me.” Yamaguchi says.

“I thought you wanted to kiss someone.”

“I do.”

“And you think it’ll never happen.”

“Yeah, well.”

 _‘Yeah well’_ is about right. It’s a shit idea - ridiculous, even - and if Yamaguchi didn’t think the world of him, he’d see how absolutely desperate the offer is.

“Whatever. The offer stands.” He says. “If you really think won't happen otherwise.”

“Sorry.” Yamaguchi says. “And thanks.” He whispers.

They don’t talk about it anymore afterwards. They play a bit more Pokémon before Tsukishima leaves, and he has to work hard not to take Yamaguchi’s reaction as a rejection.

He keeps thinking that even if Yamaguchi thinks he’ll never kiss anyone in his life, he still doesn’t want to kiss Kei.

-

Two days of feeling shit later, they sit in Yamaguchi’s room again, almost exactly the same as before but without the pretence that they’re going to get homework done.

They play more Pokémon – Yamaguchi even lets Kei play for a while, which he knows means a whole deal to Yamaguchi – and after dinner they put in an action movie so as not to play Pokémon _all_ the time. (Even though Tsukishima knows his friend will start up the game once he leaves.)

Yamaguchi turns off the light and they sit close like always. Three minutes in - not even past the credits yet - Yamaguchi turns to him, but doesn’t pause the movie.

“I thought about it.” Yamaguchi says. His voice is low, as though he’s trying to let Kei listen to the theme song.

“Hm?” Tsukishima asks, eyebrows up.

“About your offer.” Yamaguchi says.

Kei goes stiff.

“I want to.” He says. “If it still stands.”

“You-” Kei frowns, his heart beats a mile per second. “You want to?”

“Yeah.”

There’s a pause, and Yamaguchi looks alternately between the TV and his friend.

“What, now?” Kei asks incredulously.

“No good?” Yamaguchi asks.

“No, it’s fine.” He says.

_It’s fine, it's more than fine._

_Now. Yesterday. All the time. Whenever._

But nothing happens on its own.

He realises Yamaguchi is waiting for him to make the first move. Which is logical, since he’s the one with experience, the one who offered to show him the ropes.

(Even though he has _no_ _idea_ what he’s doing.)

He can tell Yamaguchi is about to say something, and he realises he comes across as reluctant. So he turns his head and catches Yamaguchi’s lips before he has a chance to say anything.

There, he’s done it. No way back now.

It’s stiff at first, but a hundred times more amazing than Tsukishima remembers his first kiss to be.

Nevertheless, he knows it can’t last. Yamaguchi will come to his senses soon and push him away.

Anytime now.

But it doesn’t happen. Instead, he feels Yamaguchi relax. It makes him bold and he starts moving his mouth on his. Yamaguchi gasps at the first slide of skin, his lips parting, an opportunity Tsukishima takes to push his tongue in.

That’s when Yamaguchi starts to kiss him back in earnest, and Tsukishima returns his enthusiasm by pushing his tongue into him deeper, their teeth clacking together in an attempt to get closer.

He tingles all over, moving his head left and then right in constant search of the best angle to kiss only to find that every angle is even better than the last. The whole thing is a bit shaky, but so perfect that he doesn’t want to think about this as the first and last chance he’ll ever get to feel it.

The air is filled with hitched breathing – which must be Yamaguchi’s because he sure isn’t breathing – when suddenly Yamaguchi’s arms – kept stiff at his sides at first – reach up to touch Tsukishima’s chest and slide down his sides, fingertips ticklish against his skin. He gasps.

If Kei doesn’t take those hands away, he will get hard and he’s not sure if he’ll be able to control himself then. But Yamaguchi starts pushing into his sides harder, so Tsukishima grabs his wrists to break the kiss, which makes Yamaguchi look at him with questioning look.

“Don’t do that.” Kei says.

“Ah, I’m sorry, I –“

He doesn’t want to hear it, just wants to continue what they were doing. He places both wrists in one hand and pushes his friend down, successfully pinning him to the floor. Their lips are sealed again and with Yamaguchi’s arms stretched above him there’s nothing that can complicate it anymore.

Their second kiss, too, is heated and painfully shaky, but it’s better now that the floor keeps Yamaguchi in place. Kei is more in control that way, he tells himself. As long as Yamaguchi doesn’t touch him he can stop when he needs to, is what he keeps telling himself when he pushes Yamaguchi’s arms back down after feeling them push a little. He’ll stop in a second, he thinks as he bites on his friend’s lower lip to emphasise the point.

But a deeply inappropriate sound comes from the back of Yamaguchi’s throat, which resonates in his own mouth and chest, and he can feel it doing something amazing to his nether region. His breath shudders. The fact that _he_ made Yamaguchi make that sound makes his lungs feel like old vacuum bags that struggle to suck in air.

He has one knee between Yamaguchi’s legs and as soon as he gets the image of pushing it up against his friend in his head, he can’t forget it. It makes him wonder what his friend would sound like if he did that. Tadashi in ecstasy. What an idea. Incomprehensible.

And therefore probably a bad idea. This whole thing is surely not even affecting Yamaguchi the way it’s affecting him. It’s most likely all in his own head. No doubt it will turn out that he’s just incapable of separating his friend’s reality from his own. But then again, if Yamaguchi’s sounds are anything to go by it means he’s at least enjoying himself a little bit. 

He might as well just go for it, he thinks.

And when he realises it’s not likely he will ever have another chance to try, he thinks he’ll regret not doing so.

That’s why tentatively, he moves his knee up and stops short of touching him. He hopes Yamaguchi notices and lets him know if it’s okay. But when no sign appears and he has to make the decision for himself, he presses his leg softly against Yamaguchi, who freezes immediately in turn. Tsukishima can tell his friend is at least a little aroused – his length hard against his thigh – which makes him disgustingly pleased with himself.

Yamaguchi gasps at the contact and their lips break apart. But he’s afraid that if they don’t kiss, they’ll talk, which means they'll stop, so Tsukishima locks their lips back together and kisses him while he moves his leg up further to cause more friction.

He can feel Yamaguchi’s deep moan resonating through him once more and he wants to make a mess of him. To let go of his control, to do whatever the fuck he wants to him. He doesn’t want to think about the consequences. He just wants to do it.

 _Please let him do it_ , is what he thinks.

Yamaguchi whimpers at the repetitive friction, and it’s all the incentive Tsukishima needs to continue. Tadashi – which momentarily feels like _his_ Tadashi – is shaking. It makes him feel powerful.

But then, out of nowhere, there’s pressure on his own length and he’s ashamed of the sound that comes out of his own mouth – it’s indecent. The absolute worst.

And apparently he’s not the only one who thinks that, because he can feel Yamaguchi grinning into the kiss – _is he laughing at me?_ – as he pushes his leg up against Tsukishima again, which makes Tsukishima buck his hips forward involuntarily.

_Fuck fuck fuck._

He can’t control himself and pushes down in search for more friction, only to find that Yamaguchi already provides it. He can hear his own panting along with a soft, high pitched moan and realises his lips are in the air. They’re not kissing anymore. No good, he wants to stop. He’s making a fool of himself.

But while he thinks this, his hips are sliding rhythmically against the leg beneath him on their own volition and he can’t stop.

In a mayday kind of way, he tries to pull his hips up higher into the air to break contact, because the one brain cell that is still functioning tells him that he will come soon if it continues. 

Yamaguchi doesn’t view things the same way, because his response is to simply push up his leg a bit higher to find him again and Tsukishima almost chokes on his own breath.

 _“Damn.”_ Yamaguchi whispers, who’s words make him painfully self-conscious.

He opens his eyes for a moment and sees Yamaguchi looking at him in a way that makes robbery look relatively legal. It tells him that he’s not the one in control anymore. Hasn’t been for a while now. He wonders if he’s ever been.

He can vaguely feel Yamaguchi’s length pressing up against his leg too, but it’s hard to concentrate on it. He’s at his limit, and of course he’s felt it before, but never like this.

It’s cumulative and intense. The movement of his hips against the leg underneath him are as long and hard as he can make them. He can’t stop anymore – can’t even lie to himself anymore – even if Yamaguchi should ask him to. _Don’t stop._ He wants to say.

The fabric of his jeans hitches as he moves all the way along Yamaguchi’s leg, from the knee to the hip, four, five, six times. He’s not sure, he’s lost count and he can’t think anymore. All he sees is white and his jaw goes slack, his whole body shaking and jerking.

 _“Fuck.”_ He hears, unsure if it’s his own voice.

It takes a long time before he comes down from his high and he slowly realises how big his mistake really is.

-

Yamaguchi lies on his bed, staring at the ceiling. His face is hot and his palms still sweaty. Tsukishima’s left thirty minutes ago and is surely home by now, but there’s no text like there usually is. 

No: ‘ _It was fun’_ or: _‘I’m home’._

He knows what happened isn’t normal between friends and he knows he should worry about their friendship. But when he remembers Kei’s face his body flushes hot and he can’t bring himself to care.

He’s always wanted to see Kei like that. His handsome, cool, in-control friend’s mouth slack with pleasure. With sounds coming out of his mouth that Tadashi wouldn’t even have been able to make up in his wildest dreams. Sounds that are nothing like anything he _has_ made up. 

_Never_ had he expected to be able to see that.

He lets out a shuddery sigh and hides his face in his hands.

Even though he’s lacking experience, he’s almost certain it’s the most sexy thing he’ll ever experience, _ever._

Tsukishima had told him before that kissing is disappointing, but if what they did was just ‘alright’ or even ‘disappointing’, he wonders what his friend considers amazing.

He sighs and looks on his phone. Another ten minutes have past, and still no message. Maybe he should send one himself?

‘I had fun’ sounds a bit…

‘You were amazing’ makes him feel like a creep, even though he really does think that Tsukishima was nothing short of that.

What to say to him? Is Tsukishima thinking about what to say too? Is he at home - laying on his bed like Tadashi – and over the moon with what just happened?

Surely not. He is the one who initiated the whole thing, casually, too.

He must have thought it was fine. No biggie.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, a hopeful thought that Tsukishima had done it because he likes him back comes up, but he knows that’s impossible. Tsukishima can basically get whoever he likes and surely that would not be his nerdy, ugly, freckled friend. Who is – newsflash – also a guy.

Hell, he must have taken pity on Yamaguchi and his stinking unpopularity. At that thought he feels the familiar stab of self-hatred and he thinks about how pathetic he sounded two days back, when he’d told Tsukishima he thinks he’ll stay a virgin forever. _Pathetic pathetic pathetic._ That is what Tsukishima must have thought.

His heart sinks. He hadn’t thought about it when it happened, but that must’ve been it. Pity.

Or Tsukishima was just feeling particularly pent up today and was simply trying to get off.

‘ _Not mutually exclusive,_ ’ he imagines Tsukki saying, with those snarky, stoic, thin lips of his.

And imaginary Tsukki is right, it could be both.

He clicks his tongue at himself and hides his face underneath his favourite pillow. Ashamed that he let himself go like that, when it was him who was the charity case.

Not for the first time Yamaguchi wishes Kei would talk more about his feelings, just tell him what he thinks. Just to tell him he thinks he’s a loser or something. Because the suspense is killing him.

Nevertheless, he knows he shouldn’t be the one to make demands, because he sure as hell didn’t talk about his own feelings. Not these, at least. He’s vowed to keep them close to his heart. Not in the least because he would definitely be rejected.

He puts the pillow back down again and opens his phone to type a message.

[ To: Tsukki

 _Home yet?_ ]

After another thirty minutes and still no answer he gives up on receiving one altogether. He’s disappointed, but he can’t dwell on it. It won’t do him any good. He needs to go to bed to sleep the edge off.

When he enters the bathroom to clean his teeth, he looks in the mirror and confirms that Kei’s motive must have been pity.

-

Tsukishima can tell exactly when the birds started singing: four thirty in the morning. That is, of course, because he hasn’t slept a fucking single wink.

What the _hell_ has he done?

He _thinks_ he heard Yamaguchi say beforehand that it was alright, but that had definitely been about the kissing. Hadn’t it?

Not the whole…

Thing.

They hadn’t talked about it.

Was it consensual at all?

He’d pushed him down too.

Has he taken advantage of his friend?

He feels horrible about it.

He _has_ to apologise. It’s the single most important conclusion he’s come up with after a night of torture.

Besides being a fucking moron.

He. Has. To. Apologise.

Innocent, honest, loyal, kind and precious Tadashi. What has he done to him. _Why, why, why?_

Why couldn’t he just keep his hands to himself?

Surely, no apology under the sun can set this right.

His phone alarm finally goes off, which means it’s fifteen past ‘ _no, no, no, fuck, I don’t want to get up and face my shit’_.

But he has to, since they have volleyball practice.

He wonders if he should call in sick, but quickly decides against it.

Not showing up after _that_ feels like committing a hit and run. Like some fucking douchebag. 

He has no more energy to freak out, so all he feels is a mild, ugly veil of apathy. He has to face his friend today and he deserves every sliver of anger that Yamaguchi will direct at him. 

He dawdles too much and realises he will be late when he walks out of the door. But that doesn’t matter when he unexpectedly sees Yamaguchi waiting there for him as per usual.

His friend looks up from his phone and smiles at him. “Morning Tsukki.”

“Morning.” He says. _What’s going on?_

Except from Yamaguchi commenting on the crisp morning air that is only enjoyed by birds with an internal anti-frost system or an exceptional masochistic streak, their walk is mostly shared in silence, which almost freaks him out more than if Yamaguchi would have gotten angry.

Neither of them mentions their "kiss".

Did Tadashi think nothing of it? Does he want to forget? Is he _too_ angry to say anything?

Kei must repent, and he sort of does during practice.

He fails most blocks and even lands a serve five full meters next to the court.

He had hoped – after a night of worry – that his conscience would give him a little break during the day, but it didn’t. Moreover, even the inside of his pants should be thankful that Yamaguchi acts like nothing happened. Instead it's really scary and makes him feel increasingly vulnerable.

There’s no denying today is going to be _shit,_ and the fact that Hinata is gloating at him with that squirrel-like face of his after a particularly bad serve counts as confirmation. 

Yamaguchi doesn’t pay him more attention than usual. More specifically, he pays him less attention, which is why he knows that all of it _does_ matter to his friend. It almost makes him freak out again.

The first moment of privacy that they share again is during lunch and even though Tsukishima vows to himself to apologise then, he can’t get the words out of his mouth. He has no idea where to begin.

 _After school then_ , he thinks. _Come. On_. _Just do it._

After school he’ll buy him fries. He’ll say it then. He will even get on his knees to beg for forgiveness if necessary.

When the bell rings to announce the beginning of the weekend, Tsukishima immediately turns around to Yamaguchi.

“Let’s eat fries.” He says a little too fast, and “My treat.” he almost forgets to add.

“Woah, really?” Yamaguchi smiles at him, although it looks a little forced. He’s packing his bag and pauses shortly. “Yeah, alright, thanks.”

-

After paying for his meagre excuse of an apology, he walks over to the booth Yamaguchi has picked for them. He smiles an adorable smile at him when he approaches, and he is once again doubting if he should bring up yesterday. It would wipe that smile off his face and that too would be on his head.

Yamaguchi mouths another thanks, which is obstructed by no less than three floppy fries and once swallowed, he starts talking about practice and how he thinks the first years are coming along. It’s so irrelevant at the moment that Tsukishima finds it a mystery that Yamaguchi thinks about it at all.

He’s babbling away like usual, and meanwhile Kei’s fries seem to be made of cardboard. That is why when he sees his friend polishing off his own portion, he shoves more than half his way. 

Yamaguchi beams at him - like the sloppy cardboard lover that he is - and immediately starts plowing through them.

Mysteriously, it seems to remind him of his favourite game, and when he therefore starts raving about Pokémon again, Tsukishima is reminded too much of yesterday. He can’t take it anymore.

“Yamaguchi.” He says, interrupting him mid-sentence.

“Hm?” He responds, looking up at Kei with a surprised expression. His eyes are large and his cheeks slightly pink. How he manages to look so nice in the horrible fluorescent light above them is a mystery.

“Listen.” He says. “I’m…” He swallows. “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

Yamaguchi looks at him with a sad expression. He hates that he caused it.

“I crossed the line.” He continues. “I should have asked for… for your… consent.”

“I would have told you if it wasn’t okay.” Yamaguchi ensures him. His voice is harder than usual.

“Would you though?” Tsukishima asks. He’s not sure if his friend would. He’s so accommodating and always looks for fault within himself.

Yamaguchi is silent and he puts a fry back in the box.

“I definitely would.” He says. He seems a bit affronted.

“So we’re okay?” Tsukishima asks.

“We are.” Yamaguchi says, but his voice is hard and Tsukishima is not convinced.

“I’d still like to apologise.” Tsukishima says. “I shouldn’t have.”

“Do you regret it?” Yamaguchi asks. His expression is indecipherable, obscured slightly by his hair. He must be angry. He’s just too nice to show it. Yamaguchi has always been too nice, which might be the cruelest thing at this moment.

“I went too far.” Tsukishima says. He can feel tears prickling in his eyes and his throat hurts, but he fights it back. He can’t use the drama of his emotions right now. “I… I let myself go, and I went too far. I know I did. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Yamaguchi says after a pause. “I know what it’s like. You know. Sometimes it’s just hard to eh, stop. Haha. Sometimes you have to let go and stuff. I get it.”

Tsukishima’s throat hurts almost too much to speak. “I pushed you down and that is inexcusable.”

“I’m not a girl, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi says.

“That’s irrelevant.” Kei says. Girl or guy, what’s wrong is still wrong. “It’s still inexcusable.”

“No, I mean.” Yamaguchi laughs. “You do know you can’t _actually_ ‘push me down’… right?”

“I have though.” Kei says, confused. Yamaguchi laughs at the comment.

“Yeah right.” He says, his eyes are playful for some reason.

“What?” Kei asks.

“What I mean is that if I eh, wanted you to really, you know, _stop_ , I would have made you stop.” Yamaguchi says. “You're not exactly stronger than me, Tsukki.”

Kei frowns. He’s always just assumed that he is. He probably was.

“I have to admit it was a bit… well, a lot more than I expected.” Yamaguchi adds.

Tsukishima’s heart sinks. It means he did go too far.

“But…” Yamaguchi adds, he pauses and looks away. He’s scratching one of his flushed cheeks and the next words are so soft it could have been just breath on the fatty fastfood breeze. But he thinks he hears: “You were really _hot_.”

“ _What_?” He asks.

“You heard me.” Yamaguchi says fast, completely flustered.

Kei feels heat everywhere and he doesn’t need a mirror to tell he’s gone bright red. His throat feels a bit better and he clears it.

“But it was supposed to be for you, and I…” He’s looking for words, but finds no good ones. “Got off.” He almost whispers. “And you didn’t. That was really lame.” God he must look pathetic with his bright red skin.

“No.” Yamaguchi says. “I eh, I did.”

“Oh.”

 _Oh_.

They sit there for a while, out of place like a pair of healthy red vegetables. They’re not looking at each other, but Yamaguchi resumes eating the rest of his fries.

-

Unbelievable.

That’s what Yamaguchi thinks.

He can’t believe Tsukki has _apologised_ to him.

If anything he thinks he should apologise to _him_ \- but then again he always feels that way – because it awfully felt like he was the one who got carried away a few days back. He was the one who ignored all of his friend’s signs that he was trying to stop what they were doing.

He bites his lip as they sit next to each other again in his room, but he can’t get his head in the game even though it’s his favourite. Perhaps he should apologise?

And was _this_ really such a good idea?

That Saturday it seemed like a great idea to do something familiar to smooth things over. A bit of the usual stuff to wash the awkwardness away, so to speak. But nothing’s washed away. Yamaguchi’s heart is doing awful things, but it has nothing to do with getting over it. 

He wonders if Tsukishima feels the same, but his face is neutral and his arms – one of the tell-tale signs of Tsukishima’s amount of worry – don’t betray anything. 

Yamaguchi wants to talk about it, although he has no idea where to start. He knows they will have to, in the end: the tension in the air tells him it’s not smoothed over (or is it just him?). But he doesn’t know what he’s looking for or what could resolve it. All he knows is that they need to talk.

“Tsukki.” He says so softly he’s sure Kei won’t hear him.

“Yeah?”

“Was it disappointing with me too?” Yamaguchi asks. He didn’t know he had the question until he started talking. But now he knows he wants the answer.

“You mean-” Kei starts.

“You know.” Yamaguchi explains.

“…No.” Kei says. “Of course not.”

“…Did you like it then?” He asks.

It’s silent for much too long. He's not going to answer – is it a no? Does he consider it self-explanatory? – which hurts a little. Much more than he cares to admit. 

“I did.” Yamaguchi says, biting back some ugly sadness. “I liked it.”

The red of Kei’s face has spread to his ears and his neck when he says “Me too.”

 _What_? “You did?” Yamaguchi laughs nervously.

Kei clears his throat. “Yeah.” He says.

The tension between them is so thick that Yamaguchi feels like he’s suffocating.

“Since there’s no one else...” Kei says. “It’s alright.”

“Oh.” Yamaguchi says and his heart sinks to the bottom of the world again.

“What do you think?” Kei asks.

“About what?” Yamaguchi asks, confused.

Kei sighs, which means he’s impatient.

“I mean that since we both liked it, and there’s no one else we’re seeing.” Kei says. “It’s alright.” He’s kneading one hand with the other. “Alright to do it again.” He adds. “If we like.” And then. “If you don’t, that’s fine too. It’s, you know, whatever.”

“That’s…” Yamaguchi starts, he doesn’t know what to say. He’s offering to do it again? “Alright. Yeah.” It comes out a little high pitched and breathy so he says it again, but firmer. “Alright. Yes.” 

It’s agonising to look at Kei rubbing the back of his neck. It’s usually something he does himself.

“So, do you want to play the game or…” Kei says.

“Haha.” Yamaguchi laughs nervously. “I think we can always play the game afterwards.”

Kei finally turns around to face him. His face is red and his eyes are bigger than usual, which makes him look far more vulnerable than he has looked in a long time. A face he remembers from when he was more open about his feelings. He used to laugh much more. (When did it stop?) It’s the kind of face that reminds him how kind Kei really is. It reminds him of how impossibly in love he is.

Since they’re already sitting so close, all Yamaguchi has to do is lean in a bit for their lips to touch.

It’s soft at first, but soon their tongues dance again like they’re picking up from before. They put their hands in each other’s hair to pull each other closer.

Kei’s hair is soft, but the curls are difficult to get through.

He can’t get enough of it, and he can’t believe he gets to make out with him again. 

He even feels a bit flattered when they end up not playing the game at all.

-

Yamaguchi spends all Sunday thinking about Kei and because he can’t wrap his head around the whole thing, he decides to ask a friend for help.

[Yamaguchi

Can you keep a secret?]

[Hinata

Captain! >: D

Of course!]

[Yamaguchi

It’s about Tsukki]

[Hinata

Oh]

[Hinata

Did u have a fight?]

[Yamaguchi

No, no]

[Yamaguchi

You won’t believe it though]

[Hinata

:O !]

[Yamaguchi

We kissed yesterday. And the day before that, too.]

[Hinata

So? That’s it?]

[Yamaguchi

What do you mean, that’s it?]

[Yamaguchi

We kissed!]

[Hinata

But you’ve been together for years]

[Yamaguchi

What?! No we haven’t! Where did you get that idea?!]

[Hinata

Kageyama told me in first year!]

[Yamaguchi

And you _believed_ him?]

[Hinata

It kinda made sense]

[Hinata

you guys r always looking for each other]

[Yamaguchi

You do that with Kageyama too!]

[Hinata

Yeah but we’re together]

[Yamaguchi

But still]

[Hinata

Are you together now then?]

[Yamaguchi

Of course not!]

[Hinata

Why not?]

[Yamaguchi

It’s just… as friends]

[Hinata

You kiss as friends?]

[Hinata

Maybe Kageyama’s just a my friend after all too :( ]

[Hinata

Hahaha]

[Hinata

Just kidding]

[Hinata

Sorry]

[Yamaguchi

I told him I have no experience]

[Yamaguchi

And then he offered]

[Yamaguchi

To kiss, I mean]

[Hinata

Kageyama says that he must have a hard time being so generous]

[Yamaguchi

What does that mean?]

[Yamaguchi

And I thought you’d keep it a secret?]

[Hinata

Yea but he reads over my shoulder]

[Hinata

Couldn’t stop him sorry]

[Hinata

Kageyama says he means Tsukishima isn’t that nice]

[Hinata

And that he kisses you because he wants to]

[Hinata

Tsukishima doesn’t do things he doesn’t want to]

[Yamaguchi

Tsukki is nice]

[Hinata

Yeah to _you_ ]

[Yamaguchi

Yeah because we’re friends. But what do I do?]

[Hinata

Tell him you like him]

[Hinata

You like him right?]

[Hinata

Even though I don’t understand why]

[Hinata

Kageyama says he doesn’t understand you either]

[Yamaguchi

I like him a lot]

[Yamaguchi

But he’s completely out of my league]

[Hinata

Kageyama says no]

[Hinata

I think ur nice together]

[Yamaguchi

You just say that]

[Yamaguchi

He’s so popular]

[Yamaguchi

And handsome]

[Hinata

He’s always trying to impress you]

[Hinata

With his jokes]

[Hinata

Trying to be funny for you]

[Hinata

Like haha look Yamaguchi I’m so smart and everybody else is an idiot]

[Hinata

Please laugh at my jokes I like you pls like me too]

[Yamaguchi

Nah he’s just bored most of the time]

[Hinata

Ur blind]

[Hinata

And u got a nice body]

[Hinata

Tall and fit and stuff]

[Hinata

Tsukishima’s just a skinny tree]

[Hinata

Hes probably got the hots for u]

[Hinata

Kageyama doesn’t like me complimenting you]

[Yamaguchi

That’s really nice of you to say]

[Yamaguchi

I’m sorry Kageyama]

[Hinata

There’s no way he’s gonna turn you down]

[Yamaguchi

I’m not so sure about that]

Yamaguchi rolls over in his bed and closes his eyes. If only that were true. He’s not sure in what world Hinata lives, but he knows he’d love to live there too.

His phone vibrates again, but it’s not Hinata.

[Tsukki

Wanna come over?]

His heart skips a beat. He wants to.

[Yamaguchi

When?]

[Tsukki

Now or whenever]

[Yamaguchi

Now works]

[Yamaguchi

My mom made cake]

[Yamaguchi

I’ll bring some for your mom too]

It takes a while before he gets an answer and he switches back to his conversation with Hinata, who send:

[Hinata

We are sure]

[Hinata

And Kageyama asks if we can practice our quick tomorrow]

[Yamaguchi

Thanks Hinata, you’re the best]

[Yamaguchi

I’ll think about it]

[Yamaguchi

‘Cause there’s no need practicing the quick.

The quick is perfect.

You just want to do the quick.]

[Hinata

Pleaaaaase]

[Yamaguchi

You know what]

[Yamaguchi

I’ll give you the keys so you can stay later]

[Yamaguchi

But no quicks _during_ practice]

[Yamaguchi

at least for now]

[Yamaguchi

You’re intimidating the first years]

[Hinata

Me? Intimidating? Hohooooo!]

[Yamaguchi

Both of you]

[Yamaguchi

Wait a bit till they’ve settled]

Then he gets a response from Tsukishima.

[Tsukki

She’s not home right now, but we can put it in the fridge]

_She’s not home_ , he reads again.

They’ll have a whole evening alone in the house.


	2. Rejection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to admit they're both a little too happy too fool around which each other. Who talks about feelings anyway?  
> Certainly not those scared of rejection. But it's extra tough when you think you'll always come second place just because you're a guy.

Tsukishima has spent all Sunday morning and afternoon trying to push down his feelings. He’s made an attempt at homework, tried to watch documentaries about his favourite subjects – something that usually works – and even tried to make his brother distract him (yikes).

Yet all he could think about was how amazing it feels to kiss his friend, and he’s not proud of it.

In fact, Kei knows that he’s coming on far too strong. He needs to back off a bit. Otherwise he’ll be found out in no time, and then it’s game over. 

So he tells himself that he’s definitely not going to invite Yamaguchi over to his house that evening.

And he fails miserably when in the late afternoon, he hears that his mom is eating out with a friend and that his brother will leave early in the evening to get an essay done on campus.

It’s almost too good an opportunity not to invite Tadashi, isn’t it? 

It is.

So he does.

_One evening alone_. A voice in his head says. _If you could just have one evening alone with him_.

Then it will be alright.

Then it will be enough.

_Liar._ He thinks, but he dismisses it. He really does need the excuse to validate inviting Yamaguchi over.

He knows all the implications, knows that their friendship won’t go back to normal if he doesn’t make an effort to make it so. If he doesn’t very soon, that ship will sail and their friendship will have been complicated forever. So he really needs to fix things.

At the same time, he doesn’t want to think about it. He certainly doesn’t want all the drama and the spectacular guilt when – inevitably – everything goes to hell.

But then again… He wants what he wants. And in all honesty, is there anything he can do to change that? How do you stop falling in love?

“When are you leaving?” Kei asks when he sees his brother wandering in the hallway.

“Aw I loved seeing you too!” His brother coos back at him jokingly. By the time he asks, it’s already seven thirty, and Yamaguchi will be over any minute.

“Seriously though.” Tsukishima says. “When are you leaving?”

“Ooooooh.”

“What?”

“Is my Kei-chan growing up?” He grins. “You’ve got a girl coming over, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been acting all strange today!”

“No, nothing like that.” Tsukishima says, and sighs. “Just tell me when you’re leaving.”

“I don’t know if I will… You’ve been awfully suspicious, little brother.” Akiteru looks at him with squinted eyes and clicks his tongue. He’s too observant and he should _just_ _leave_ _already_.

(What could he possibly want anyway? They’ve eaten dinner together. Kei has been nothing but _delightful_ company. Which is all Aki ever seems to want from him, isn’t it, so why isn’t it enough now?)

Just _leave_ , he thinks.

He really needs him to. Because he knows that when Yamaguchi is here with them, his brother will see straight through him and his I-have-a-big-fat-crush-on-my-best-friend-and-also-I’m-chicken thing. He’ll notice. In the way they stand or look or breathe. He has no idea how, but he will know. And he will probably be annoying about it.

He kind of wonders if his brother will hate him for liking guys.

He really does not want to think about that...

When the doorbell rings, they both go to open the door.

“Tadashi!” Akiteru says with his arms wide when the door swings open to reveal a shyly smiling boy, and Yamaguchi’s face lights up in return.

“Aki!” He returns and hugs his brother. He realises he never hugs "Tsukki" like that.

“It’s good to see you!” His brother says. “Unfortunately, I’ll be leaving soon. _College waits for no one_.” He does a bad impression of some TV-show Kei can’t recall. His brother laughs at not-even-his-own joke. Of course he’s related to a dork. But what else is new.

“That’s a shame. Everything alright over there?”

“Yeah, everything’s great. I’m sure you’ll love it too when the time comes.” Aki grins at him. “Which won’t be long now, huh. Exciting.” He adds the last word in a sing songy voice.

Tadashi laughs sheepishly and says "Yeah."

Then there’s a pause in which he looks over at Kei and then back at Tadashi again, leans against the wall, crosses his arms and whistles.

_Oh no._

“By the way, I have to say… It’s not that I’m not happy to see you, but I wasn’t exactly expecting to see _you_.” Aki says. _Shut. Up._

“Huh?” Tadashi’s confused.

“Aki.” Tsukishima says warningly, but his brother ignores him.

“I still like it better when you call me big brother.” He pouts, but his eyes are serious.

“In your _dreams_ maybe.” Tsukishima’s getting angry and is almost starting to panic, and his brother doesn’t care.

“Nah, sorry.” Aki says, turning to Yamaguchi again. “This makes sense. Who else but you? I guess I saw it coming.”

“Saw what coming?” Tadashi asks with a frown and a smile. He gives a look at Kei, who decides to shrug as though he too has no idea what his brother is talking about. 

“ _You_ , I guess.” Aki says. “Kei’s been giving me signals.” He makes antennas above his head with his fingers.

What a _moron_. Pretty fucking please shut up.

Tadashi still looks confused. “One of your paranormal jokes again?” He says with a frown and a laugh. Tadashi. Always one to keep a good mood alive. Even if his brother is the biggest idiot on the planet and is not making much sense. Well, Kei does get it. But Yamaguchi is certainly not going to get these jokes... He hopes.

Aki laughs too and gives Kei a look.

“Something like that.” His brother says. “Well.” He adds with a sigh, signaling the end of conversation. “I’ll leave you kids alone.”

_Did you just stay to see if a girl was coming over?_ Kei thinks.

“Oh, that’s fast.” Tadashi comments, obviously disappointed that Aki’s leaving. “Well, it was nice seeing you and have a good trip!”

“Thanks. I’ll just grab my bag and be off.” He says before walking up the stairs. Tsukishima is sure he can hear him laughing in his room.

“You should put the cake in the fridge.” Kei tells his friend.

“Oh! Yeah.” He looks at the bag in his hands. “Be right back!” And bolts off to the kitchen.

After a moment, his brother returns with his bag slung over his shoulder and peeks in the kitchen to say: “Oh, there you are, bye Tadashi!”

Then he walks past Kei in the hall to put his shoes on, and whispers. “I knew it.”

“ _Shut up_.” Tsukishima whispers back dangerously, but he has no control over the overall rise of temperature in his body and he definitely never had control over his big brother’s annoying behaviour. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

Aki scoffs as he slides into his shoes and is set to go. “It’s okay you know. I’ve always kind of known. Mom too, I think.”

Kei doesn’t know what to say.

“Just remember to play nice Kei.”

“Please stop-“

“And safe.”

“God _Jesus_.” He says. _Fucking hell._

“I don’t know where you’ve learned to swear so much.” Aki says. “Mom doesn’t like it.”

“Maybe it will stop if you stop talking about this.” He retaliates. His brother is being completely embarrassing.

Aki just laughs.

Tadashi enters the hall again and smiles at Aki.

“Oh you’re still here!” Tadashi says. “Have a safe trip!”

“Thanks Tadashi!” His brother says before turning to Kei again. “Oh, and _do_ have fun.” He winks at Kei.

Then he finally leaves and shuts the door behind him. His heart is still pounding like a butcher trying to get through a bone with a blunt knife.

Tadashi laughs for some reason. “He’s acting odd and cheerful. Did something good happen?”

Then he stops smiling and looks at Kei with concern. “Your face is red.”

“Oh.” Is all he can answer.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” He says. “It’s nothing.”

“You sure?”

“ _Yes_.”

“Oh ok. Sorry, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi says and smiles goofily. “Well, anyway, you should have told me Aki was around.” Tadashi says. “I could have brought an extra piece of cake.”

“That’s really not necessary.” Kei says. “He was supposed to go earlier.”

“I see. Oh, well.” Tadashi says. “It’s not like it would have fit in the fridge anyway… I had to move a few things as is. I hope your mom’s alright with that.”

“It’s fine.” Kei says. His mom. He doesn’t want to think about her at this particular moment.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Yamaguchi frowns at him again. “Even your neck is red.”

_Thanks for pointing that out, I had no idea._ He thinks sarcastically.

“I’m _fine_.”

“No fever? Maybe you’re just a bit tired? I can always come by another time if you want.”

“No. _Stay_.” He blurts out, words that are definitely no remedy for the redness of his skin.

Yamaguchi smiles at him with a weird mix of concern and enjoyment. “Alright.” He says. “I’ll stay.”

**-**

They end up sitting on Kei’s bed in their usual positions when they’re at his house; Tadashi sits against the wall playing on his Nintendo DS while sporadically looking on his phone and Tsukishima is reading a book. Well, pretending at least. He’s read the same sentence twenty-five times. He just assumed that something would happen. But will it?

He can’t deny that he’s on edge with anticipation.

Yamaguchi doesn’t seem to have the same problem. He’s engrossed in his game and has one of the pods of his headphones in his ear while the other one hangs forgotten at his side - in order to hear Tsukishima if he says something. It’s the first time he’s playing this particular game and he looks overall happy. Definitely not worried or antsy.

Kei hates that he himself is the needy one.

His friend’s phone goes off and Yamaguchi taps something on it.

“Hinata asks if you can stay after practice tomorrow with him and Kageyama.”

“He should text me.” He says and rolls his eyes. Yamaguchi suppresses his laughter.

“I told him.” Yamaguchi says.

“Then why do I always hear his questions through you?” Yamaguchi is about to answer him, but he adds. “You’re not a messenger. If he doesn’t ask me directly, the answer is no.”

“I’ll tell him.” Yamaguchi says and he taps away just before his own phone vibrates.

[Hinata

So? Wanna join? :D ]

[Tsukishima

Don’t text Tadashi to ask me things.]

[Hinata

But we never text ]

[Hinata

And you’ll say no :( ]

Hinata is apparently simultaneously texting Yamaguchi, because his friend clarifies: “He thinks you’re angry with him.”

Which is not far off the truth.

[Tsukishima

So you think that if Tadashi asks me the same thing instead, I’ll say yes for some reason. ]

[Hinata

Yeah]

“He really wants you to try and block him tomorrow.” His friend says. “They think they’ve improved their quick somehow.”

“Yeah, I’ll block him.” Kei scoffs. “On his _phone_.”

Yamaguchi snickers. “Seriously tough.” His friend adds.

Kei sighs. “That’s stupid. I’ve never been able to block their quick on my own.”

“That’s not true.” Yamaguchi says. “You managed a few times. You’re a really good blocker, Tsukki.”

Their eyes lock and so he quickly has to look away.

“Fine.” Tsukishima says. “But I won’t stay long.”

Yamaguchi laughs again. “Maybe you should text him that.”

[Tsukishima

Half an hour. No more.]

[Hinata

Just like that!?]

[Hinata

Yay!]

[Hinata

I’ll text you more often! :D]

[Tsukishima

Please don’t text me unless necessary.]

[Hinata

See you tomorrow :D]

[Tsukishima

Yep.]

“That’s nice of you.” Yamaguchi comments.

“It’s only half an hour.”

“Still.” Yamaguchi is smiling at him and his heart skips a beat.

“By the way, check this out.” He says, and Tsukishima sits up to sit next to him.

“Here.” Yamaguchi says as he hands him one of his ear pods. He puts it in and leans against his friend to see the screen. He smells fantastic.

Tadashi enters a battle, and a very upbeat tune starts playing.

“The battle theme is nice, isn’t it?” He asks. “I love it.”

“Look.” He adds as he shows a move of one of his characters. He’s not sure what he wants him to look at exactly, but it doesn’t matter. Kei’s happy with the proximity.

“Hm.” He reacts.

Yamaguchi leans into him a bit more. Much more than necessary.

They sit like that for a while as Tadashi plays the game, and occasionally they push their knees together, back and forth.

It winds him up.

They end up looking at each other again and Yamaguchi stops playing.

They’re about to kiss - he can tell – but then Yamaguchi puts a hand on his chest. 

“Wait.” He says. “This doesn’t feel right.”

Tsukishima freezes and he’s sure that Yamaguchi will put an end to the whole thing.

“Before we…ah.” He starts. “I just want to know...”

“What?”

“You said it was fine to keep doing eh, this.” He explains, pointing from Kei to himself. “But… you could do this with anyone.”

“So can you.” He counters.

“No.” Yamaguchi says. “I mean, there are so many girls who like you. Why would you do this with _me_?”

“I don’t know them.” He says.

“Yeah.” Yamaguchi says. “But they’re really pretty and stuff. Surely, you’d want to… You’d prefer them.”

Tsukishima is not sure what to say.

He reckons that if Yamaguchi were to find out about his preferences sometime anyway, it might as well be now. It's not like it's a full blown confession.

Of course it will all go to hell. But he had already established that from the start.

He gathers his courage before opening his mouth again.

“I don’t.” Tsukishima says. It comes out pretty calm and he's pleased with that. “I’m not attracted to them.”

“You mean you’ve never thought about it?” Yamaguchi's eyebrows raise high on his forehead.

“No.” He says. He doesn’t want to say it out loud, but he might have to. “I only think about-“ It’s difficult. _You._ _All the time_.

He can tell Yamaguchi waits for him to finish his sentence.

“Boys.”

Yamaguchi’s eyes go wide. “Oh.” He comments. His friend is definitely surprised. Has he made a mistake by telling him? And why is he so shocked? He’s kissed Yamaguchi’s face off. _And more_. It should have been obvious already. 

“Yeah.” Kei says. “I understand if you want to leave.”

“What?” Yamaguchi says. “No, no.” He’s not looking him in the eye tough. “It explains a lot.”

Kei frowns. _Does it?_

“So, was it really a _girl_ you kissed, then?” Yamaguchi asks, with a cheeky smile.

“What? _Yes_.” He says. (Is that really important?)

“Have you ever, you know, kissed a boy?”

He scoffs and feels heat rise to his face again, he feels exposed. “That’s a stupid question coming from you.”

“Am I the first?” Yamaguchi asks with a smile.

Tsukishima nods. God, this is embarrassing. He should have never started this.

“So you’re attracted to boys.” He says with wonder.

Tsukishima nods and shrugs as though he’s indifferent. It’s painful to hear that fact being overly established.

“But surely” Yamaguchi begins again, his voice a little firmer. “You’re not attracted to _me_ , right?”

He’s not sure what to say. _Come_ on. He thinks. Isn’t it already _blatantly_ _obvious_ that he is? And if he admits it, does that make it a love confession?

“Are you?” Yamaguchi repeats.

Will it end their friendship?

A pesky “Tsk” is all he can manage.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi says, he can practically hear him frowning.

There’s a pause.

“I don’t know. Whatever.” He says. But Yamaguchi keeps looking at him. “I guess I’ve thought about it before. With you.”

“What?” Yamaguchi looks at him in disbelief. “No way. You have? But what could you possibly like about me… definitely not my face...” He laughs that horrible laugh. “And I’ve got such horrible freckles. And my hair... haha.” Tsukishima hates those self-deprecating comments.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” He explains.

“Yeah, I’m healthy.” Yamaguchi says. “But there’s nothing great about me either.”

“Please.” Kei scoffs. “How can you say that with arms like that.”

“You like my _arms_?” But Yamaguchi looks at him like he’s making less sense than before, and then proceeds to look down at his own arms, as though they’re some sort of oddity. Now Kei looks like some arm-fetish-maniac. Great.

“Not just your arms.” He mumbles in defence. It sounds different when he says it out loud, not entirely unlike a confession. There’s no end to his embarrassing lines tonight.

“So eh.” Yamaguchi says. “What did you think about, exactly?” He looks far too happy and Kei’s ears are throbbing with heat. He can’t possibly say ‘everything’ or ‘a lot of things’. Does he have to answer?

“You know. Kissing, I guess.” He decides on. “And stuff.”

“And stuff?” Yamaguchi asks. “You mean getting off?”

_Is there no filter on this boy?_ “Yeah.” He breathes out.

“Have you… by yourself- have you-“

Tsukishima bites his lip. He thinks Yamaguchi already knows the answer to that, and that’s what bothers him. He bites his lips.

“Aren’t you disgusted by all of this?” He asks with a frown.

“No.” Yamaguchi says. “I’m super flattered.”

He’s _flattered_. Great. And here he thought there’s nothing worse than disgust.

“I told you before.” Yamaguchi says, scratching his cheek.

“What?”

“That I thought it was hot.” He explains.

So he did say that.

“But you like girls.” Kei states, so that he doesn’t have to hear it coming out of Tadashi’s mouth. It’s always easier to deliver the blow yourself.

“Well, yeah.” Tadashi says and Kei feels like an absolute fucking idiot for admitting everything. “That too.”

“So what.” Kei says. “It’s not the same then, is it?” He states more than asks.

“It’s not?” Tadashi asks.

Kei’s breathing becomes shallow again, as though there’s cotton in his windpipe. He scoffs.

“Aren’t you just confused?”

“I don’t think so.” Tadashi says.

There’s a pause and Yamaguchi puts his hand on top of his. It’s disarming.

“So.” Kei manages. His breath hitches in his throat. “Now what?”

“I don’t know.” Yamaguchi says and shrugs. Then a trace of a grin appears on his face. “You could tell me what you imagined.”

“ _What_?” _Not in a million years._

“I eh, just thought it would help me understand.” Yamaguchi says. “With what you mean.”

It’s immensely private, isn’t it, what you think about when you do it yourself? How on earth could he talk about those things?

“You’re not stupid.” Kei says softer than he wants. He blames the squeeze of Yamaguchi's hand on his for that. “You know what it means.”

“Yeah well, I mean we could maybe eh…do some of it.” Yamaguchi says. “If you like.” He says. “Since there’s no one else, and stuff.” He pauses.

“Can you even imagine it?” Kei asks back. He can’t be serious.

“Yeah.” Yamaguchi says. “I know I like boys too.”

Kei’s eyes widen and he frowns.

“You do?” He asks. “I thought you liked girls.”

“Yeah, well, both.” He says. “I’ve known for a while. I eh, I thought it was obvious by now.” He rubs the back of his neck. “With all the kissing…” He pauses. “And _stuff_.” He laughs shyly. 

He’s without a shred of doubt referring to the time they got off.

“So yeah.” Yamaguchi proceeds. “I can imagine.”

“ _With me_?” Kei asks.

Yamaguchi’s eyes widen and his face flushes in an instant. He looks away.

“I don’t think it’s possible not to.” Yamaguchi says.

“Huh?” Kei asks, confused.

Tadashi laughs like he’s just told him a joke and looks around the room, before asking “Have you looked in the mirror recently?”

It takes him aback. So he thinks he’s attractive? That’s a start, isn’t it? He’s not sure what to say.

“So yeah.” Yamaguchi says, his eyes scan the room and then he laughs a nervous laugh. Kei’s heart is throbbing.

“I kind of want to touch you, if you let me.” Yamaguchi says bluntly, but then he snaps his head back in panic. “Eh, only if that’s something you want! Not necessarily the whole thing- you know!”

_You can touch anywhere you like_. Is what he wants to say.

Instead he can’t look him in the eyes and says. “Go ahead.” And then adds. “If you want.”

“Really?”

He nods. But there’s a long pause and nothing happens.

“Haha.” Yamaguchi laughs. “I eh, I’m a bit nervous.”

Kei is too, definitely. However, he’s too happy to let that stop things from happening, so he turns to Yamaguchi and places a hand on his hip, then slides his hand up just under Yamaguchi’s shirt.

Is it alright to say that he has a crush on him now? He feels the gap isn’t that big.

“Then I’ll start.” He says softly as he pushes up further. The dark blue shirt is crawling up and Kei can see the start of that muscular abdomen he admires so much. It feels hard, but the skin on top is very soft. He feels like sighing with relief and exploding at the same time. He’s wanted to do this for so long. Like coming home for the first time. But with thunder and lightning.

Once his left hand is fully under his shirt, he places his right on the other side. It’s the best feeling ever to touch Tadashi, to stroke his skin. His friend’s chest is heaving noticeably, pushing back against his hands.

“Relax.” He says.

“How can I relax.” Yamaguchi says.

He has a point. Kei can’t seem to either. But he continues stroking him despite Yamaguchi’s state of unrelaxedness.

“ _You_ try to relax.” His friend says just before Kei feels two hands on his sides. He gasps with surprise. Tadashi’s hands are roaming over his skin like they’re trying to touch everywhere. Grazing over his back and chest, a thumb that pushes on his nipple.

He bites on the inside of his cheek. Letting go is nice, but too much enthusiasm might scare him off.

“This would be easier without our shirts.” Yamaguchi says.

“You first.” Kei pants. His voice is betraying him.

He notices how warm Tadashi’s hands are now that they’re gone.

The way Tadashi pulls his shirt over his head, with flexed muscles and a hazy expression, almost makes him feel like he’s watching an indecent strip show. At least, he imagines this is what people look for when they go see one. Little do those people know they’re looking for Tadashi specifically. There really can’t be anything sexier. His broad shoulders are freckled, his chest is too good not to touch, his abdomen is is so fit that it almost looks like it has a confidence of it's own.

“Don’t just look.” Yamaguchi squeaks. “You too. Otherwise it’s just me.”

“Ah, yeah, alright.” He says. Kei’s starting to feel self-conscious. He’s a lot skinnier than his friend. Not much to look at.

That’s why he decides to make quick work of it while reminding himself that he needs to eat more - a futile thought he's had a hundred times. He hopes by speeding things up, Yamaguchi won't look. But he is. And a little too long to his liking too. 

So long that it’s hard to think. Should he say something? Nothing’s happening. He hopes he’s not disappointed. _God_. That would be something.

Kei is about to ask him about it when Yamaguchi pounces on him with force – catches his lips with his own – and pushes him flat on his back. He kisses him heatedly, their chests touching. It's a wonderful and foreign sensation; the weight on him, the skin on skin, the hair tickling his forehead. He’s glad he’s laying down, because it’s so much at once that he’s starting to feel dizzy.

Tadashi continues to kiss him hungrily and he struggles to keep up. Then, when he feels a hand on his side again, sliding towards his back and then his side, he breaks the kiss and gasps. It feels amazing.

“Is this alright?” Yamaguchi asks in a low, heavy voice.

Kei nods. “Yeah, I-”

He apparently didn’t need to hear more, because Tadashi is on him again and his heart surges with the enthusiasm he receives. He moans into the kiss – an involuntary reaction – and he’s glad when he hears sound coming from his friend too.

It must be a good sign. How can it not be?

Maybe he does like him back after all. Maybe it’s not just fooling around.

Thinking this, he puts his arms around Tadashi and kisses him back with equal effort.

Tadashi is the kindest person he knows, something that Kei feels is reflected in the way he touches him. It lets him know that he really cares how Kei feels right now. It makes him feel exposed and wanted. He could drown like that. In that particular feeling.

He tries to do the same, tries to caress Tadashi the way he does with him. Not because it’s hard to imagine something on his own, but his brain isn’t functioning and he’s glad he has something to emulate.

He spends at least ten minutes like that. Trying to keep up. And he can't get enough of it. 

-

They’ve been kissing for what feels like only a moment, but it must have been at least an hour and Tadashi's getting pent up.

It takes all his willpower not to push things further. Yamaguchi thinks he’s been ready to go all the way two years ago – something that should probably stay a secret – but he knows that may not be the case for his blonde friend. The way Kei already regretted what they did earlier, and how anxious he gets when he just mentions getting off… He has to respect that boundary. He should thank all the clouds in heaven for this opportunity alone as is.

And yet it is hard to ignore his urges when his friend and long-time crush is squirming underneath him, with that flawless skin painted bright red - he can even see it blotting his shoulders - and his eyes squeezed shut.

His ears are red too. And his neck.

Perhaps he shouldn’t push to go all the way, but he can at least kiss him there.

So he breaks their kiss and he moves directly towards Kei’s right ear and kisses it softly. Kei sighs and shudders. He does it again and then presses harder, then licks the shell of his ear and lets his teeth slide over his earlobe.

“Aaah…” Kei let’s out a moan that Yamaguchi could play on repeat without getting tired of it. It’s nice to find a weak spot on Kei. So he plays with his ear some more, kisses it, then bites, and eventually moves on to Kei’s neck, which makes his friend react uncontrollably again.

“You’re really sensitive.” Yamaguchi whispers against his skin, laughing a bit between words because it makes him feel giddy.

Tadashi feels the hands on his back squeeze him tighter, but he doesn't say anything back. He groans again when Yamaguchi proceeds to suck on his neck. Then he lets his tongue slide over the whole length of his throat and Kei squeaks uncharacteristically.

“You’re really winding me up.” Yamaguchi says. It’s almost like he feels himself getting angry. Because it is unfair, isn't it, to hear and see all these reactions and not be allowed to do much more.

“You’re one -” Kei says, his voice is high. He coughs to correct himself. “- to talk.”

Yamaguchi moves one hand over his chest, then down his stomach to one of his hipbones, and moves a thumb dangerously close to his groin. He can always just ask. “Can I… touch you?”

Kei nods, and then Tadashi moves his hand to the clothed bulge underneath him and palms it.

Kei cries out, which he apparently didn’t mean to do, because he starts biting on his hand.

When Yamaguchi adds more pressure, Kei even bites his hand so hard that Tadashi knows it must hurt. So he moves his hand away and grabs Kei’s wrist to remove it from his mouth.

“Don’t.” He says. “It’s fine… Don’t worry about it.”

Kei looks at him with big eyes. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say he was about to cry. But that can’t be. Kei wouldn’t cry that easily, right?

“Don't hurt yourself.” Yamaguchi says as he moves his hand back down and in place, pushing up along the length that he can so clearly feel through the rough clothes. It’s long and hard, but difficult to touch fully because of the thickness of the fabric.

“Haaa.” Kei breathes. He feels his own face heat with Kei reactions.

“That’s better.” Tadashi says, his heart pounding against his ribcage and blood flowing downward dangerously fast. He hardly recognizes his own voice, so low and gravely. The adrenaline of it has him pushing up on his friend again with renewed enthusiasm.

The way Kei moves underneath him and the sounds he elicits makes Tadashi feel like he is somewhere out of this world. He can’t get enough of it. Has to hear more. More, more, more.

Kei cries out at the speed of the rhythm and it’s then his turn to grab Tadashi’s wrist.

“Stop.” He says. “I’ll… I won’t last.”

“Isn’t that the point?” Yamaguchi asks and he smirks. He feels pleased. Kei likes it. So he continues stroking him even though Kei’s hand is still loosely on his wrist.

“Ah, I- Aaah… I… mean it. Nnn.” He says.

“Me too.” Tadashi says as he keeps up his rhythm and tries to wrap his hand around Kei’s member all the way. From all the way down to his balls up to where he thinks is the tip. 

Kei throws his head back and with another few strokes, he’s shuddering uncontrollably and his voice must carry all the way downstairs.

His friend then moves his hands to his face to hide it while his chest heaves so much that he can see his ribs prominently with every inhale.

“What about you?” Kei says after a while, still heaving, as he removes his hands from his face.

Yamaguchi laughs. He’s very aroused. “I could use a hand.”

Kei moves his long fingers along his jeans, places his hand on his jean-clothed crotch and gives a squeeze. Yamaguchi feels blood surge through him.

“ _Fuck_.” He says.

“This isn’t working.” Kei mumbles as he moves his hand up and then under his jeans to grab him firmer with just his underwear between Kei’s hand and him. Yamaguchi sees stars and he leans on his arms with his face next to Kei’s.

“Alright?” Kei whispers.

“Yes.” Yamaguchi says “Please. Oh _God._ ” He curses when Kei starts pumping him with long movements, confidently and earnestly.

He gets the feeling now, the embarrassment of coming fast. There’s no way Yamaguchi will last.

Not after seeing _that_ and certainly not feeling _this_. Kei’s long, beautiful fingers around him. Precise and to the point. From the base to the tip. Then momentarily, Kei stops there, at the tip, to play with it, giving a few short strokes where he’s most sensitive.

Kei repeats this several times, going up and down all the way and stopping at the tip, his long finger wrapping around him with ease, even through the fabric.

It doesn’t take long before he groans and feels Kei’s hand squeeze him out.

It's the most unsexy moment to remember that he doesn’t have spare underwear with him, which in his defence, he didn’t think he’d need.

He rolls over next to Kei and places a hand on his closed eyes. He’s dizzy.

He has to calm down first. Then think about underwear.

He can’t even believe this feeling.

They lay like that for a while in silence. Both breathing hard.

“That was amazing.” Yamaguchi breathes.

“Yeah.” Kei agrees.

“It is a bit wet like this, though.” He admits.

Kei laughs. “It is.” Then he turns to face Yamaguchi. “You can borrow some underwear. You know, to go home like a normal person.”

“I _am_ a normal person.” Yamaguchi says with a laugh, and their eyes meet. “You’re just lucky you’re already home.”

Kei laughs again. “You’re right.”

-

The next day after practice it’s raining so hard that it resolves Kei’s regret to stay late for the King and his loyal twerp. The longer they stay, the longer they stay dry.

Yamaguchi’s decided to stay after practice too - probably thinking something along the same lines. Or perhaps he wants to see what Kageyama and Hinata have been working on (not mutually exclusive). He's standing on the side of the field with his arms crossed like it’s no one else’s business. Perhaps he's already lost patience before the whole thing's even started. This is not the first time the dynamic duo has claimed to have improved their quick. In fact, most times they haven’t. 

Kei stands on the other side of the net. His strategy, as always, is to let the first two quicks go. During the first quick he watches Kageyama, the second time at Hinata.

When Kageyama sets the first ball, he notices that nothing’s changed about him. Hinata is all the way over in the corner and he wouldn’t have been able to block it if he wanted to.

The second time, Hinata changes direction just as Kageyama sets the ball – nothing new – but then hits the ball with his left hand.

Kei wonders if he should point out that change does not equal improvement. He at least expected Kageyama to understand that. But he’s explained it before. Yamaguchi has too. Explanations don’t stick with these two.

Kei pauses to wipe some sweat from his chin and throws them a glare, as if to say "Really? You let me stay for this?", but he knows it doesn't have the usual punch.

He’s far too happy about yesterday. It must have been a good sign. The whole thing. He feels fuzzy just thinking about it.

Maybe he should tell him he’s in love. That's how confident he feels.

The rain is pelting down so hard against the walls of the gym now that it’s almost like someone’s knocking on the door.

Kei knows it won’t stop raining anytime soon and they can't stay forever. They’ll have to leave sometime and they will inevitably have to face the bad weather.

He wonders if, no _when_ they’ll do it. He likes to believe they will, at least. 

The orange hazard continues to jump to Kageyama’s sets with the energy of a rabbit and Kei’s struggling to keep up after twenty minutes. He does, however, discover a pattern in Hinata’s choice to go left or right.

He’s not going to point it out to him. It’s nice to stick to Hinata’s routine – easier to let his body move on standby to that rhythm. He doesn’t think he’s up to using his brain too much anymore after a whole practice session and the memory of yesterday.

Somehow, Yamaguchi’s interest hasn’t faltered. Even though Kei knows that this must surely be getting tedious. He must have noticed the pattern too. And the fact that there is no improvement.

Then, the doors of the gym opens and Yachi walks over to Yamaguchi. Hinata and Kageyama hardly notice and Kei tries to follow their suit, which is normal. Why stop because someone talks to Yamaguchi? It’s not like he would stop if somebody went over to talk to Hinata, for example.

From the corner of his eye, Yachi looks especially apologetic and shy today, and before he knows it, they’re walking out the door.

He wonders if it’s still dry under the extended roof and when they’re not back after five more quicks – which he all blocked because of a strange surge of energy – he figures it must be.

“What are they doing out there?” Kageyama asks.

“Don’t know but they’re probably super wet now.” Hinata says. Then he makes a sound like he’s thinking really hard about something, and says. “You think it's a confession?”

“Hm.” Kageyama answers ambiguously. “I think that already happend some time ago.” _What?_

Hinata's face lights up in surprise. "It has?"

"I don't know." Kageyama says. "Maybe. I think so. It seems logical that it has."

"You think a lot of things that aren't true!" Hinata says.

Kei doesn’t need to add anything. For once, Hinata is right. It’s almost certainly a love confession. Why else would they go outside in this weather to talk? What else could there be that they can’t share with their fellow third years?

And why is it taking so long?

Is Yachi crying after a rejection?

Is Yamaguchi comforting her?

Probably too hopeful. It’s Yachi.

_Are they kissing?_

He wants to walk out the door to interrogate Tadashi and tell Yachi she’s better off chasing someone else, because he can’t deal with her in the mix. But he’s not sure if he can do that. Yamaguchi has always had a weak spot for Yachi. And he really is accommodating. And she's a girl.

His whole body suddenly feels like it weighs a ton.

There’s no way he’d turn down Yachi.

He's going to say yes, isn't he?

So that might mean the end. Why hasn't Kei told him he likes him?

All they did was some fooling around. Yamaguchi was probably just curious and as a guy, there’s a lot of social obstacles that come with liking other men.

His friend surely has realised by now that playing on Kei’s side of the field requires sacrifices. Not to speak about potential family drama. For someone who cares so much about fitting in, the choice is obvious. He’ll choose a girl over him anytime. There was probably no hope from the start.

At the very least, he thinks, he should have told him that he’s in love with him.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever get over Yamaguchi. He’s such a great guy and a wonderful friend. The most wonderful person he’s ever met. They surely can't keep doing stuff if he's dating Yachi. 

Kei’s ruined their friendship in less than a week. All because of his stupid hormones. And that stupid hope.

He’s about to cry, or maybe he’s already crying, he’s not sure, but he throws the ball he’s holding in the basket and says.

“Clean up, I’m leaving.”

“Huh? Hey! But what d’you think?” Hinata asks. “We improved, right?”

“Yeah. Great.” He deadpans just before he throws the door open. A gust of wind with some drops of water immediately hits him in the face. It's cold and it makes him angry enough to just waltz through it, thwarting it, toward the club room. To his disgust, he sees Yachi and Yamaguchi in there on the bench, talking. They're close. Yachi’s face is a little red and they both stop talking once he enters. He’s definitely interrupting something.

“Don’t mind me.” He says as he grabs his bag and coat. He won’t bother changing. “I’m off.”

“Wait, Tsukki. I’ll go with you. We were just –“

“No need.” He says. “Bye.”

He’s sure he hears Yamaguchi or Yachi say something, but it’s hard to distinguish with his headphones and hood on. He slams the door close with such dramatic flair that he knows he's been too obvious about being upset.

He left his umbrella in the club room, but he doesn’t regret it. It would break in this weather anyway.

There’s a small hope in his chest that Yamaguchi will come after him and declare his undying love for him, and he hates it. It’s never going to happen. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

To take that hope away, he walks a route home he normally never takes, the long way home.

There. Yamaguchi won’t encounter him if he went after him now. No doubt, no hope. Just the sadness of it. At least it’s all clear that way. The sooner he begins recovering from the whole thing, the better.

The orbs of light under the street lamps show how hard it is really raining, but it only registers as an image. He can hardly feel it apart from the numb chill, like apathy on the skin.

It’s kind of welcome. No one would dare to go outside in this weather and bother him about his expression right now. He can just let it go for the way home. But it won’t take him more than another ten minutes – not nearly enough time to process this – so he leans against a lamp post in a street he’s only been in once or twice before. The water is streaming down the metal surface and seeps through his jacket, bringing a fresh cold with it. He shivers.

He was never going to be number one by default, just because of what he’s got between his legs.

This is probably just the start. It’s going to be like this his whole life, isn't it?

For a guy to be able to chose between a girl and a guy... everything is more difficult with a guy. The family. The acceptance. 

The sex.

He hates that he’s complicated things, but if Kei really thinks about it, it had to happen sooner or later. He is like this, and he can’t change that. He likes boys. He likes Yamaguchi. His friend was going to find out one day or another anyway. Like he thought before, it was all inevitable from the start.

But if he knew, why does it hurt so fucking much?

-

**Notes: Awww so dramatic. Don't worry, I won't dwell on it too long.**

**(Notes placed here because I don’t understand the notes thing. I’m a pervert, not an IT expert).**

Pic: An impression of a shy, yet slightly more confident Yamaguchi who’s grown somewhat into his skin and kind of believes in Kei’s affections - I like to believe he's looking up at him here.

Also I like to think Yamaguchi has freckles everywhere. I love freckles. Don't you? They make me think of nature and playfulness. The beautiful stuff, really.

Spend far too much time drawing this.

Hope you enjoy it a little.


	3. No one but you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Assumptions often lead to hardship.

If Yachi hadn’t been crying her eyes out, Yamaguchi would have gone after his friend without hesitation.

But even though something’s definitely off, Yachi makes it obvious she wants to continue their conversation.

Of course, Yamaguchi has difficulty listening to her after Kei's dramatic exit, despite feeling like he owes her.

Luckily, once she notices Yamaguchi’s antsy glances at the door, she tells him to leave and thanks him for staying.

_Thank god._

He grabs his bag, goes down to check with Kageyama and Hinata, who immediately start blabbering simultaneously, the only things which can be distilled from their mixture of voices is that “Tsukishima made us clean up on our own!” and a thing or two about justice and punishment.

When he leaves them still blabbering on, he runs along the road home they’ve walked so many times together – wind shaving raindrops across his face like tiny bullets – but all is in vain; there’s no sign of his friend anywhere, and by the time he finally arrives home, even his underwear is completely soaked (which yes, is unpleasant sensation).

He contemplated visiting the Tsukishima household on his way home, but it would be too dramatic; standing there like a sad, wet puppy.

Moreover, he wouldn’t be able to explain his urgency to see his friend to Kei’s mom – who would undoubtedly be the one to answer the door – that they were having a huge misunderstanding in their still developing and complicated maybe-romantic relationship.

Which would be stupid to admit, of course; he knows he should opt for a lie instead. But he also knows he’d probably just stand there and blush without saying anything, which would betray his feelings immediately.

Anyway, why won’t Kei respond to any of his messages?

Not wanting to miss any, he only takes a quick shower despite the cold that has settled into his bones before picking up his phone again to check if the shower drowned out any incoming messages.

Unfortunately, his own text - send just before leaving the club room - glares back at him.

[YAMAGUCHI:

What happened?]

He bites his lip. Maybe he’s used the wrong words. Maybe Kei thinks he’s being too dramatic.

Now, standing in his room with a towel draped over his shoulder, he contemplates his next move. Should he call him?

He should. He dials.

…

But it goes straight to voicemail.

Yamaguchi sighs. Maybe nothing’s wrong and Kei is just taking a bath after being cold and wet from the rain, maybe his phone is just dead from the music he’s played on the way back, maybe he’s fallen asleep…

No. He’s not crazy. His intuition is usually right. Something is undoubtedly off.

[YAMAGUCHI:

Tsukki, if you read this, let me know okay?]

Tsukki. That nickname. A compromise between his first and last name.

_Kei._

He wished he had the guts to call him that. He feels like if anyone, Yamaguchi deserves the privilege to do so, being his best friend for so long. But ever since first year, he flushes bright red with just the thought of doing so. Not many people call him by his first name. Kei is reserved, always has been. So much so, that Kei doesn’t even call _him_ Tadashi, even when most people do.

Yamaguchi feels like crying thinking about it. He knows him too well. Cares too much. He’s head over heels in love. But will he still have a chance to tell him? Or is it all over before it was anything to begin with?

To be honest, he’s surprised by Kei's actions. He thought things were going great between them. Because even though they technically hadn’t confessed, he thought Kei must like him back at least a little, with all the stuff they’d done together. The kissing, the touching, the conversations… those aspects might all not be _conclusive_ , but it was at least _promising_ …

It was at least _something_ , wasn’t it?

It had to be.

So what happened, then? Yamaguchi feels that the most logical reason for Kei to be upset – other than the unlikely possibility that Kageyama and Hinata had done something horrible – is that Yamaguchi had left the gym with Yachi. It was the only thing that transpired in that small timeframe. But would Kei be _that_ upset about it?

That would probably mean Kei was jealous, and that could hardly be the case. Probably just hopeful thinking. But what else could it be? He’s not nearly narcissistic enough to get angry at Yamaguchi for walking out on some blocking action.

He wonders if Kei received a horrendous message from his family, maybe an illness or something. But if something had happened in that area, he wouldn’t have acted out in the club room like that, would he? Besides, he keeps his phone in his locker during practice.

Maybe it’s much simpler. A voice in the back of his head supplies. Isn’t it possible that Kei simply regrets what they’ve done?

He sighs as he flops onto his bed, grabbing a pillow and hugging it, squeezing it like he’s trying to squeeze that awful feeling – of shame, rejection, insecurity – in his stomach away.

He wishes they could go back to yesterday. When everything was great and warm and exciting.

Kei underneath him, panting, frowning in that pained expression of his when he’s especially feeling it… The paleness of the skin on his shoulders and chest and stomach. Moments that can only exist in that part of Kei’s life. The part Tadashi always wants to be part off, but never expects to be able to get even the slightest glimpse of. Let alone be an active participant in it.

Warmth creeps to Yamaguchi’s face every time he thinks about it, the image of his friend burned into his retinas clearer than any textbook he’s ever tried to imprint in his memory.

Then, just as he starts to relax a little, he bolts up like lightning when his phone goes off.

[TSUKKI  
I’m just really tired. Don’t worry about it.]

_Liar_. Yamaguchi thinks immediately. But what should he say?

[YAMAGUCHI

Talk to you tomorrow then?]

[TSUKKI

Yes. Good night.]

[YAMAGUCHI

Good night.]

Alright. Everything will be okay. No need to jump to conclusions.

Enough thinking.

Tomorrow, tomorrow they’ll talk.

-

But they don’t. Kei doesn’t come out to go to school when Yamaguchi waits for him outside his house. His mom claims that he’s not feeling too well as she gives him an apologetic look. It feels like she’s lying.

[YAMAGUCHI

Are you ill? Should I take notes for you?  
Need something else?]

But there’s no response, not even by the time school is out in the late afternoon. He types:

[YAMAGUCHI

I hope you feel better soon.  
I really want to talk to you.]

It’s a bit desperate, but he sends the message anyway.

Walking out the school building, he looks up at the uninterrupted greyness of the sky. How come the light seems so harsh and hollow even though the sun is nowhere to be seen?

At the end of the day, when he lays in bed, there’s still no message from him and Yamaguchi feels like shit.

Angry even. And confused and sad all at once.

Is he just working himself up? Maybe nothing’s wrong. Maybe his friend really is sick and reacts like this because he feels like crap.

But it still doesn’t feel right.

Kei had texted he felt _tired_ , not _sick_ like his mother had claimed. Something’s definitely wrong, right?

They need to talk, sick or not.

But should he really pay a visit? He doesn’t feel welcome somehow, like Kei doesn’t want him to. And he doesn’t want to impose.

Yamaguchi hugs his pillow tighter and hopes that tomorrow will be better.

-

But it’s not. If anything, it’s worse.

When Yamaguchi stands in front of the Tsukishima household again for a walk to school, Kei’s mom tells him Kei still isn’t feeling alright, and is clearly confused that Yamaguchi isn’t up to date. Of course she asks if they had a fight.

He’s not sure what to say. He says they had a misunderstanding. Not exactly a lie. He feels so down about the whole situation that he doesn’t even blush like he had expected himself to.

 _I violated your son and now he’s angry with me._ He thinks guiltily.

Although honestly, he’s not sure if it’s something he’s done or not.

He’s also starting to doubt whether Kei really likes him back (a little) or if it was all just in the name of experimentation and hormones. It is what they had agreed on in the first place, after all.

He did seem to like what they were doing. There’s hardly a doubt in his mind about that. But if he liked to do those things with Yamaguchi specifically… He realizes now that that's a whole different question on its own.

The only possible explanation at this point seems to be regret.

Which is why it hurts double that Kei doesn’t talk to him. Maybe Yamaguchi is at fault himself for holding on to too much hope. Kei could choose anyone he likes, that much had been clear from the start, and Yamaguchi was probably just an easy target for experimentation because of their mutual trust.

Did their friendship end in just a few lustful and curious moments? In retrospect, had in been worth it?

When he still doesn’t receive a text by the end of the school day, he decides to send one to Kei to let him know he’s not entirely oblivious. 

[YAMAGUCHI

You’re angry with me.]

At night, before he goes to sleep, he’s really had it and sends:

[YAMAGUCHI

Please at least tell me what I’ve done wrong.]

Sleep doesn’t come easy that night.

-

“No.” Kei says, placing his feet firmly on the floor. “I’m old enough to take care of myself.”

“You’ve been in bed all week.” His mom says. “I don’t want you to be on to be alone this weekend.”

“I’m _fine_ on my own.” Kei says. “And what do I need a _babysitter_ for? There’s enough stuff in the freezer to get through _weeks_ if not just this _weekend.”_

“You haven’t eaten well in _days_ and I’m starting to _really_ worry about your weight Kei.” She says warningly. “You’ve lost three kilograms in less than a week and I don’t even know what this is all about. Don’t you tell me you can take care of yourself, young man.”

It’s actually four kilograms, but sharing that information wouldn’t exactly be in his best interest.

“But why do I need to go to _his_ house?”

“I know you two had a fight, but whatever it is, _be nice,_ _apologize_ and make up.” She says. He can tell she’s completely fed up with him. “For crying out loud. You’ve been friends for ages. I really don’t understand what you’re fighting about that makes you not talk for this long. Is this about some girl?”

“ _No._ ” Kei emphasizes, although the subject is much too close for comfort. “ _Mom._ ” He knows the whining is not convincing anyone. 

“Alright, alright.” She says irritably. “But what you don’t realize is that you’re young and you will meet plenty of girls in the future.”

He wants to object, but he can’t.

“But a friend like Tadashi is one of a kind.”

 _Don’t rub it in_.

She sighs. “Either way, you’re going and that’s final. I’ve specifically told him to make sure you eat enough and you _will_.”

“You _talked_ to him?” Kei asks exasperated, almost as though he’s violated by this fact. 

“Yes _._ _I_ talked to him, and he said he will take good care of you.” She says and sighs again as she folds another shirt. “He’s such a nice boy too.”

That, he really is. Kei agrees silently. But he can’t face him now. Maybe never, truth be told.

Fuck lord of all fucklords, it's going to be so fucking awkward.

“When are you coming back again?” He asks instead. He knows it's futile.

She sighs the most irritated breath yet. “Sunday. Late.”

“So I can go home on Sunday.” He knows he’s testing his luck.

“ _No_ , you’ll stay until _Monday_.” She says, he’s testing her patience. “I don’t want any trouble while we’re away.”

With ‘we’ she means Yamaguchi’s mother and herself. They are going on some trip they’d planned long ago and Kei had completely forgotten about it. Nevertheless, it means he has to stay over at Yamaguchi’s. It also means they will be alone the entire fucking weekend.

“What trouble?” He counters.

“Good grief. I don’t understand why you’re so difficult lately.” His mother snaps. “We’ve talked about this trip. I really wish you’d talk to me. What’s going on with you?”

“Fine, mom.” He says, ignoring her plea for him to talk about his emotions. He really doesn’t want to. He’s not going to get his way whatever he says. Talking is not going to help. And he definitely doesn’t want his mom to dig any deeper. Besides, none of it will make Yamaguchi like him back, so it’s all useless, isn’t it? “I’ll stay until Monday.” It's fine.

-

As expected, it’s not fine at all. His heart thunders in his chest the moment he’s on Tadashi’s doorstep that Friday. In a way, he feels sorry for the damned organ, working overtime for nothing.

They haven’t talked in almost a week. _A week._

It’ll be so difficult and the worst thing is that he has only himself to blame.

His childish feelings of not getting who he wants. What he wants. When he wants. In the end, it’s spoiled sadness. He was never entitled to any of it.

A moment after they’ve rang the bell, the door opens to reveal Yamaguchi and his mother standing in the hallway. His friend’s mom is smiling, but Tadashi is not. On an unrelated note, it makes Kei angry how fit he looks in that shirt. It’s as though he’s doing it on purpose, to taunt him. Kei doesn’t even deserve to look at him.

“I’m so excited!” His own mother squeals.

“Oooh, me too!” Yamaguchi’s mother goes. “I’ve been looking forward to this for so long!”

“Me too!” His mom says, reaching such a high note that Beethoven would probably pay her some attention as an experimental kind of instrument.

Their moms are on such a different wavelength than Yamaguchi and himself that it’s like they’re living in different paradigms.

Yamaguchi – leaning against the wall with folded arms, who is clearly accustomed to his mom’s enthusiasm – looks at them nonplussed and then at him, locking eyes, which is when Kei realizes he’s been staring at Tadashi the whole time. He notices how rare it is that he’s not smiling at him. He has to look away.

Not in the least because that look makes him feel guilty about bitterly jerking off to the memory of him out of self-pity the past couple of days.

He really is selfish. What must he think of him.

“Alright.” Yamaguchi’s mom says. “You two take care of yourself. Tadashi, remember to buy some cake with the money I gave you.”

“Yes, mom.” He says, smiling at her. He acts like nothing’s wrong. Maybe nothing _is_ wrong, at least for him. It doesn’t have to be less true. “I promise to ruin our teeth. We’re going to be fine. Just have fun.”

His own mom, quite a tad shorter than himself, grabs Kei by the ear, pulls him down to her level awkwardly and hisses through her teeth: “If you don’t behave this weekend I’m going to be so _pissed_ young man.”

“ _Ow, yes yes yes,_ _alright!_ ” He whispers back in quick succession. Embarrassing, really. He’s almost eighteen and still he is treated like a little kid in front of the one and only person he wants to impress. As if things couldn’t get any worse.

But things can get worse, because their moms head to the car and that means they’ll be alone in a short moment. His own mom gives him a last warning look, and both Tadashi and him wave at them both even after they can’t possibly see them anymore.

He wished they'd come back.

“Come in.” Tadashi says as he turns into the hallway without looking his friend in the eye.

“Your dad on a business trip again?” He asks awkwardly as he follows him inside and closes the door behind him. He knows the answer to the question already. This was discussed ages ago. They’re all alone.

“Yeah.” Tadashi responds lukewarm and turns to him before giving him a look from head to toe. “You look like shit.” He states bluntly. Ouch. “Were you really ill then?”

He should say yes, but for some reason it’s hard to lie. He bites his lip. No words come out.

“Thought so.” Yamaguchi says and gives him a wry smile. “I know you don’t want to be here, but you should at least eat something.”

“It’s a bit early to eat.” Kei says. It is barely four, after all.

“You say that, but you look like you haven’t eaten all day.”

Which is true.

“I had breakfast.” He lies. See? It’s easy to lie.

“Liar.” Yamaguchi says resolutely. Maybe not.

After all, Yamaguchi is not an idiot; he can usually tell. Which is of course one of the reasons he likes him in the first place. He’s probably smarter than Kei in many respects. At least socially. It's something he hasn’t been comfortable admitting for a long time, since if it's true, it would probably mean Yamaguchi knows more than Kei would be okay with. 

Yamaguchi doesn’t wait for a response and proceeds to the kitchen, where he heats up some soup and gives it to Kei with some bread.

“ _Eat_.” He emphasizes.

It’s more than a little awkward, and swallowing food feels like he’s trying to swallow wriggling frogs whole, that’s how much his throat resists it. So it’s unsurprising that it takes an eon before he manages to finish the whole plate and it’s not before Kei feels warm from it that he realizes how cold he’s been all day. The food really did do him good despite struggling to get it in. 

“That’s better.” Yamaguchi says as he takes the plate to the sink.

“How did you know?” He asks. Somehow, even though they’re still fighting, it relaxes him to talk to Tadashi again.

He hasn’t been able to relax like that in a week. He wants to sleep really bad, can hardly keep his eyes open.

“What?” Yamaguchi asks with a surprised look on his face.

“That I didn’t eat.” He admits.

“Oh.” His face falls. “You look like shit.” He says. Great. He looks horrible while his friend looks amazing. “And you’re bad at lying. You never look me in the eye when you do.”

“Right.” He answers. Great, now he’s bad at lying too, apparently. His eyes sting so much that he’s positive the rims must be red.

Tadashi laughs, a strained thing. They look at each other, are they going to talk now? He’s not sure he can handle it. Then his friend looks away, scoffs and laughs again.

“God, you look so tired.” Yamaguchi says. “You can go sleep upstairs first. I’ll wake you up for dinner.”

‘We’ll talk afterwards’ goes unsaid.

He thanks him, because he really is thankful. He doesn’t deserve the kindness his friend gives him and he knows it. He’s been such an asshole all week that the only thing he feels he deserves is to be decked in the face. Hard. But all he gets is a nice attitude in return, and he wants to scratch his skin off his arms, that’s how bad he feels about it.

But he has no time for such a self-destructive thing, because Kei falls asleep the instant his head hits the pillow and by the time Tadashi wakes him up, it’s almost dark outside.

 _Fuck, he’s so nice_. Why hadn’t he at least talked to his friend in the past couple of days?

He expects dinner to be devastating, but only small talk spaces the prominent silence between them. A moderate relief, although they’ll have to talk eventually.

The tension between them is so thick that it seems to hang over them like a dark cloud, ready to burst. And after dinner, that cloud follows them to the living room, where they watch TV. Not much is said other than some comments on the level of acting. He can tell things still aren’t alright between them because Tadashi hardly looks him in the eye and they don’t sit as close as they usually do. They’re not touching. Nowhere. Yamaguchi is all the way on the other side of the couch. It feels strange and depressing.

He wished he could move closer to him again, tell him he’s sorry and go back to how they used to be. He longs for a touch of his arm on his own, for a nudge in the side accompanied by laughter. But they can’t go back just like that. Even if Yamaguchi would forgive him, he has a girlfriend now. He has to respect his boundaries.

The evening is draining, and he guesses it is for both of them, because they both go to bed early.

Lying there on the floor, he can only see Yamaguchi when thunder strikes. Well, almost, because he’s higher up on his bed. 

He feels awful and is blowing warm air on his cold hands. The heater must be faulty again or something, he’s that cold.

They still have the whole weekend to go and this is already so difficult now. How on earth will he manage?

“Why don’t you come here if you’re so cold?” Tadashi asks suddenly, the first thing that’s said between them in what feels like hours.

Kei’s eyes widen. That’s entirely inappropriate, isn’t it? It’s true that they used to share a bed when they slept over at each other’s houses, but surely Yamaguchi knows they can’t do that now. Not when he has Yachi.

“I’m good.” He says, even though he’s almost going insane with being so cold all the time.

“It’s much warmer here.” Tadashi says. Is he trying to make up with him?

“I’m fine.”

“I can hear your teeth chattering from here.”

He doesn’t sound angry. Maybe he really is trying to make amends, and he must admit that it’s far more appealing to go back the way they were than to keep this up, whatever it is.

“Alright.” Comes out of his mouth even though he disagrees, and before he can help himself, he’s on his feet.

As he slips under the cover, he realizes that he can’t remember sleeping in the same bed with his friend without having at least one indecent thought. It reminds him that he will have to forget the way he feels somehow. Maybe he will even have to grow accustomed to the idea that Tadashi kisses a girl on these very same sheets.

“That’s better isn’t it?” Tadashi asks as soon as Kei has settled in next to him on the narrow bed. 

“A little.” He admits. Fuck. Even though he’s broken their friendship, even though there’s conflict between them, he can still feel his heart pound in his throat. And when he feels warm feet on his, the feeling of being cold seems unfamiliar almost immediately.

He wants to snap, it’s unfair. Is Tadashi doing this on purpose? Can’t he tell their fooling-around actually meant something to him?

He wraps his arms around himself for comfort, but also to keep a solid distance, to protect himself somehow. Tadashi can go until here and no further. Because with just one more point of contact he will definitely go crazy.

“What’s wrong?” Tadashi asks him earnestly. Great. They’ll have to talk now. They’d have to talk eventually. Rejection had been inevitable from the start.

“Nothing.” He lies anyway.

“Come on.” Tadashi says. “I’m not stupid. You’ve been ignoring me… You’re distant.” His voice is calm, and Kei has no idea how anyone can be so patient after being given the silent treatment.

What should he say? The truth? He’s not sure what he can say that won’t leave him extremely vulnerable.

Thunder claps, followed by a bright flash during which Tadashi’s expression is momentarily revealed. It’s both better and worse than what he had imagined: an inquiring face.

“I don’t know what to say.” Kei decides. “Aren’t you angry?”

“I was.” Tadashi admits. “But then I got scared that I… that we’d lose what we have. I really hope we can talk it out.”

“I’m not sure.” Kei admits. “I don’t know.” _If we can go back._

“Did I do something wrong?” Tadashi asks, his voice changes. “Have I done something you’re uncomfortable with?”

“No.” Kei says desperately, a little surprised by Tadashi’s question. What the hell should he say? They can’t continue the way they were because of Yachi – surely that’s evident – and they most certainly can’t go back to being friends without Kei walking around with a knife in his heart, permanently.

“Then what happened?” Tadashi asks. “Do you regret the things we’ve done?”

“Of course not.” Kei snaps. That much goes without saying, doesn’t it? He’s almost getting angry because of the stupidity of the question, even though he doesn’t have the right. “ _I told you_ that I wanted to- wanted to do that stuff. More importantly, isn’t it _you_ who regrets all this?”

“ _What_?” Tadashi asks in disbelief, he does sound angry now. “Is _that_ what you think?”

Kei’s chest is suddenly pulled forward by his shirt while something warm hits his lips and it takes a moment to realize that Yamaguchi is kissing him, his tongue pushing inside his mouth. He can’t help the surge of his heart as he hadn’t expected to ever feel this again. He moves along with the kiss, has difficulty catching up to him or taking note of the additional sensation of a hand on his side, his arm, his hip. He wants to touch Tadashi too, but before his hand reaches out to the warm body now pressed against him, he pauses as a familiar question strikes him again.

What is this?

Is Tadashi fine continuing this kind of thing even though he has a girlfriend? Doesn’t he realize that counts as cheating?

No. Perhaps he doesn’t see it that way. Perhaps he sees a gay relationship, if one could call it that, as a leisure.

Perhaps he doesn’t take this seriously.

He’s starting to tremble as he feels an awful sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, his arms, his lips, everywhere. He tries to push that feeling down, it's ruining his arousal, but the pressure of Yamaguchi’s lips on his remind him of his own insignificance, and it intensifies, gets much worse, until all he feels is awful. 

He can’t help but think that it’s his own fault for being like this.

His feelings - his romantic hopes – have no right to exist like Yamaguchi’s romantic aspirations with Yachi. He’s bound to be reduced to lust, since a gay-relationship is a one way ticket to outcast. Having a gay relationship, talking with your parents about it, being humiliated by your peers. Tadashi won’t choose that. He’ll just play around a bit, but it won’t be his first choice. _He_ won't be his first choice.

For someone who is attracted to both girls and boys, who would ever choose the demeaning option?

If love is a game, Kei was never a real player from the start. A fluke.

His lips won’t cooperate. He’s getting bad at kissing because he wants it to stop.

How long will he have _this_ until Tadashi’s sick of this then - sick of him? Will he have to prepare for heartbreak in advance? Will he be able to enjoy any of this if that’s the case?

He can’t imagine accepting this reality. But like picking scabs, he can’t help feeling this way, knows he'll comply even if he doesn't get what he wants, even though he knows it will hurt tremendously. 

“You’re crying.” Yamaguchi whispers as he removes his lips from Kei’s. He sounds upset. “Do you hate this? What’s wrong? I don’t understand.”

“I can’t do this.” Kei says, he feels tears streaming over his nose, as they do when you lie down on your side.

“What do you mean?” Yamaguchi asks. “Why not?”

“Not while you have Yachi.” He adds, his voice sounds ugly even to himself.

“Yachi?” Yamaguchi asks, confused. He’s not really that stupid, is he?

“Your girlfriend?” Kei reminds him rhetorically. He’s getting impatient.

“You think she’s – wow there.” He says as he emphasizes the break by putting a hand on Kei’s chest. “Is that what you think?”

“I’m not stupid.” Kei says. “She confessed to you on Monday.”

“What? No-” Yamaguchi pauses. “What are you talking about?”

“I saw you in the club room.” Kei says. “In case you hadn’t noticed me.”

“How could I not notice you when you slammed the door on us like that?” Yamaguchi asks. “Anyway, it’s not what you think!”

“Then tell me what I should think when you two are so close?”

“I was just trying to comfort her!”

“Are you trying to comfort me too?” Kei asks, feeling anger bubble to the surface. He doesn’t have the right. “Is this what you do to comfort people?”

“Have you gone completely _insane_?” Yamaguchi asks. “Do you think I would do this to _comfort_ anyone? Who do you think I am?”

“I don’t know!” Kei says. “It’s not like we ever talk about this… this…”

He pauses, then continues with new resolution. There’s no way back now anyway. He can't humiliate himself any further.

“About sex. I don’t know what you would and wouldn’t do if you were given the option. I mean, you even agreed to do stuff with me because I offered.”

“You think I’d do this with anyone if I was given the option?” Yamaguchi scoffs. “Because I don’t, and if you really want to know, yes, Yachi did confess to me.”

“See?” Kei scoffs. “I’m not stupid.”

“But not on Monday.” Yamaguchi says, he sounds truly upset. “That was months ago.”

“What?” Kei can’t believe his ears. “You didn’t tell me.”

Wait, why would Tadashi have claimed that nobody would want him in the first place? Wasn’t that how this whole thing started?

But Yamaguchi ignores his comment. “And I rejected her.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I told her I’m in love with someone else.”

“Oh.” Kei supplies intelligently.

“She asked me if it was you.” Yamaguchi says, his voice filled with a strange kind of anger.

Kei’s heart is throbbing like an idiot and his hands are starting to feel clammy. 

“I told her.” Yamaguchi continues, he laughs a strange laugh. “I said: ’That’s right. Even though it will never come to anything, I’m still in love with him.’ She asked me if I wouldn’t just try dating her then.” He proceeds. “She told me that we really got along well and that I’d get over you eventually.”

“But I told her that...” He says, pausing, as though he’s contemplating the benefit of continuing. “That no one else will do. I’d rather have a day with you than a year, ten years, with someone else. It’s stupid but… it can be no one but you.”

The words hang in the air like an unbelievable thing, a pixy from a fairytale.

“Fuck. I’m so in love with you.” Yamaguchi says, biting at his own words. “I have been for so long. And it has always ached, but this week? This week _really_ sucked.” He continues. If Kei doubted he was crying before, he’s not anymore. “If you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine. But I still wanted to say it.” His breathing is harsh. “This… this whole thing, the past week… it hurt like shit. I know you’re not always explicit about your feelings, but please talk to me.”

Another thunder claps and it hurts to have Yamaguchi’s tear streaked face burned into his retinas. He did that.

“You’re in love with me?” Kei asks, at a loss for better words. Did he just dream this whole thing? “But don’t you prefer girls? It’s much easier.”

“You’re right.” Yamaguchi says. “It is much easier. I’d probably hold out a lot longer while we’re at it, because I really can’t keep it together when I’m with you.”

“Besides, can’t you tell?” Tadashi continues when Kei says nothing. “I can’t keep my eyes off you.”

Kei feels heat wash over him, feels it spread to the tips of his ears. “What?”

“God, I’m making a fool of myself.” Yamaguchi wipes his eyes. “You can’t possibly feel the same way, but please say something.”

“I do.” Kei says, fast, as though he’ll miss the chance. “I… I’m the same. I mean, I do. Like you. I thought you’d prefer not to… do things with another boy, let alone with me.”

“Let alone with you?” Yamaguchi scoffs. “Please, you’re the hottest guy in school.” If Kei’s body would produce more heat than it does now he’d be sued for accelerating global warming.

“You’re _really_ embarrassing me.”

“Yeah well, it feels kind of good to finally admit it, so I will.”

He’s received so many compliments now, he’s starting to feel guilty. He has to say something back, to make things more equal, although that’s going to be even more embarrassing.

“I thought you’d notice me looking at you, at home or at school. in the club room.” Kei admits. Shit, why does he have to admit that specifically. “I’ve looked at you since first year. So much.” _Shut up, shut up, shut up._ “I thought you couldn’t possibly not notice, that you weren’t interested… just ignored me for my own good. Since then, I’ve wanted to…” he bites his lip. He can’t possibly confess all these things.

“Wanted to?” Yamaguchi inquires.

“I can’t say it.” Kei decides. “How can anyone say stuff like this out loud?”

“Fuck it, then don’t.” Yamaguchi says as he smashes their lips together.

Their kiss reminds Kei of their first one, if not for the clashing of their teeth. You’d think they would have the hang of it by now, but in his defence, he can’t control himself down to the finer motorics at the moment. The hand on the back of his neck pushing him forward also isn’t helping.

It’s the best thing in the world. He doesn’t have to be ashamed. Tadashi knows. He accepts it. He feels the same. It’s incredible.

So he lets his hand slide down that well-built arm he’s wanted to touch so badly, squeezes it, and then decides he wants to feel his stomach, wants to check if it feels the way he thinks. He decides it does when he flattens his hand on those strong muscles. They’re so taught that it seems as though they’re challenging him, and he gives in by pushing against them.

Yamaguchi breaks the kiss and groans as he arches into his touch.

“You’re really fit.” Kei blurts out like a dumbass as he feels muscles tighten underneath his fingertips. He squeezes back at them again.

Yamaguchi doesn’t answer, but instead moves his own hand underneath Kei’s shirt. He gasps as Yamaguchi mimics the gesture and then pushes them flush together again from the hips to their lips. Kei quickly rescues his hand from in between them.

The following moments are spend kissing and grabbing and pushing. Kei can’t think, everything happens on its own as he touches the small of his back and traces the broadness of his shoulders. Then Yamaguchi pushes him on his back and hovers over him, first kissing his lips, but then moving down his jaw and neck, before transforming those kisses into sucking, biting and licking while a hand wanders low, reaches his hipbone and slides a thumb underneath the band of his sweatpants.

Kei almost chokes on an unexpected sound that comes out of his throat.

“Since you don’t tell me, I’m not sure what you want to do.” Tadashi says as he reaches for the hem of Kei’s shirt and pushes it up, sliding his hands over his stomach and chest in the process, the fabric piling onto his wrists. “But I know what I want to do.”

Then he moves his hands to the rim of Kei’s pants, and pulls down slightly suggestively. “But tell me if you want to stop, if we go too far.”

What a stupid remark, Kei thinks as he yanks him back down and wraps his arms around the naked torso on top of his.

He thrusts up as he keeps him there, and moans as his hips crash into his friend’s, who immediately pushes him back into the mattress. It’s a dance that changes as soon as Kei assumes he knows the steps. Because gradually, his lower body won’t leave the mattress at all anymore as Tadashi is pushing him down with increasingly strong thrusts. They’re both rock hard, it's almost painful, and they can’t kiss, since Kei needs his breath.

It feels amazing, but Tadashi is taking control again while Kei’s on his back. Is that alright? Is he being even more selfish?

“Ah- Wait – Ah!” He says much less eloquently that he had hoped.

Tadashi halts, panting and says “What is it?” while delivering a last lazy thrust. “Don’t you want to?”

Kei reaches for his own sweatpants and boxers and pulls them down as far he can reach, then reaches for Yamaguchi’s, puts his thumbs underneath the rim to warn him for what’s coming, and pulls all present fabric down as calmly as he can manage when he doesn’t hear complaints.

Yamaguchi’s quiet, so Kei guesses it’s okay when he urges Yamaguchi to lay down text to him on his side. He feels a bit better for taking initiative like this. 

“We can take it a little slower.” He says as he places his hand on Yamaguchi’s hip and slides his way to his member, wrapping all the way around, spacing his fingers to cover most of it, and pulls softly towards the tip.

Yamaguchi’s groan is guttural. “You’re calling this slow?”

Kei chuckles as he pulls thrice, from the base to the tip, in quick succession. “It can get a lot faster.”

Yamaguchi splutters something incoherent, but regains himself when Kei keeps his hand still again. “Let’s go slow.” He now agrees as he shudders.

Kei let’s go of Yamaguchi’s member momentarily to guide his friend’s hand to his own hip, before returning and wrapping his hand around him again.

“We can do it together, if you want.” He says before he feels that broad hand slide down and wrap around him. He bites down a moan as his hand squeezes tighter around Yamaguchi as he pulls, and feels a pull on himself not long after.

He’s not sure what’s more amazing, feeling a warm hand around himself in anticipation of what movement is about to come next, or feeling that hard member underneath his own fingertips as he’s thrilled by the effect he has on his friend.

Tadashi moans loudly, and it’s somehow easier to let go of his own voice after that, which is great, because Kei has to put every bit of control into his hand to keep it slow. In order not jerk him off with the speed of an oil pump in the middle east. Instead he tries to focus on the foreign aspect of it. Yamaguchi’s thicker than his, with silky smooth skin on top of what might as well be rock. He moves all the way down to the hilt and then up again and decides it’s about as long as his own. This works. This is not as overwhelming.

Suddenly he feels a rather tight squeeze around his own member and he yelps.

“Stop, stop, stop.” Yamaguchi whispers. It alarms him.

“Hm?” He inquires as he stops and feels the hand leave his member before feeling it land on his wrist.

“I feel like you might hold out for ages.” Yamaguchi says, panting. “But I’m not going to last.”

“It’s not a contest.” Kei says as he gives another squeeze.

“Hn! No.” Yamaguchi says as he pulls him away on the wrist and scoots closer until their hips almost meet. “Just let me do it for now.” He says as he takes them both in his hand and slowly pumps their members together.

Kei’s head lolls back as he jerks into it.

“Ah, fuck.” Yamaguchi mutters as he thrusts shallowly. “You like that?” He asks, giving them another shared pump.

Kei wants to answer, but he can’t help moaning instead and thrusting into him again abruptly.

He can feel their skins move in unison before halting into friction at the end, sliding their foreskins over the heads, followed by broad slicked fingers to deliver a supplementary stroke. It’s weird, foreign and delicious, and he can’t deny he likes it when his friend does what he wants; a slow long push here, a short and fast jerk there.

The hand he keeps on Tadashi’s shoulder squeezes so hard that it might bruise, a failed attempt to channel the overwhelming sensations elsewhere.

“Ah.” Tadashi says, in enjoyment or surprise as he jerks again. “I really like this.” He says as he pumps slowly, but firmly over and over. “You.” He says as fingers slide to the base, dip even lower than before. “Losing control.” As he pulls to the tip and holds them in place as he moves his fingers over Kei’s head individually. By now, Kei has moaned the whole neighbourhood awake. He’s being toyed with and he hates that he loves it.

His whole body is stiff with tension and he’ll surely die if he doesn’t keep it that way, keeps every single neuron on high alert to warn him about the next developments.

“I get it now.” Tadashi says as he repeats the movement, once, twice, three times. “You can’t talk when you’re like this.” Kei’s about to explode, it’s all going to slow now, it’s too intense, if it’s not quick and easy soon, he’ll burst.

He’ll deliver mercy himself, he decides, as he places his hand on top of Yamaguchi’s and pulls on it, urges for him to go faster, but it's not working. He's not complying, even after urging another time. 

“No, no, no, no.” Yamaguchi tuts. “Let me do this.” He says as he maintains the same, leisurely speed. And it breaks him, it all happens too fast.

In one, two, three, four, who knows how many slides across the base and tip, Yamaguchi’s controlled breathing - his eyes definitely on him even though it’s completely dark – Kei sees white and the jerky, abrupt motions that snapped out of his hips before suddenly transform into long, delicious, smooth drives when the dam bursts. He moans such a whiny thing, it can't be coming from him. 

It takes a few moments to realize he’s sobbing after that, and choking on his own breath while he’s lost his mind.

Before, he’d been so sure he’d already cum many times in his admittedly short life, but this, this is on a whole new level. It takes ages and he has half a braincell to wonder how Tadashi feels.

“Amazing.” Tadashi says, an embarrassing praise. But he can’t bring himself to care too much. Maybe later when all braincells wake up again.

Yamaguchi’s hand is slick with cum, and when they both go slowly limp, he realizes it’s not just his.

His whole body shudders as Yamaguchi moves to a halt.

“Fuck.” Kei supplies, panting.

“You’re really sexy.” Tadashi tells him. “Sensitive.”

Kei is not sure if he’ll ever be able to keep the lights on while they do this, he must look like a mess.

“Shut up.” He tells him. “How can you say stuff like that.” He laughs out the rest of the tension that was in his body.

Tadashi chuckles. “Do you want to be my boyfriend?” He asks.

Kei laughs wholeheartedly. The question seems so funny to him now.

“Do you want to be mine?” He asks back when he’s recovered.

“Yes.” Tadashi says. “Yes.” He repeats. “I do.”

“Fantastic.” Kei says, a strange word not to use sarcastically.

It’s now Yamaguchi’s time to laugh. “You really are something.”

“I’m sorry.” He says. He means it.

“I know.” Tadashi says.

“I was an idiot.”

“I know.” Tadashi says. “But still it can be no one but you.”

-

**Nûtez:**

_Awww._ _Hihi, I’m almost embarrassed myself._

_Just kidding. Hope you enjoyed this._


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